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Tampa to limit sale of Ford F-150s to stop number of assholes on the road

Tampa Ford – Hillsborough County – Monday 2.18.2019 In an effort to minimize the number of assholes on the road, Hillsborough County has set a cap to number of Ford F150s being sold. Ford Dealership sets up F-150 wait list “We hope this initiative will help alleviate road congestion, and make it a little easier…

Tampa to add Human Growth Hormone to water supply to promote citywide gains

Tampa Wastewater Treatment Center – Hillsborough County – Sunday 2.17.2019 Bob Buckhorn has announced today that the City of Tampa will begin the addition of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) to its public reservoir. “I believe this is a necessary step in order for us to transform our citizens from scrawny-ass pencil necks, into the muscle-bound…

Auditions Begin for Tampa Rays Annual “Manta Claus” Stingray Competition

Tropicana Field – St. Pete – Saturday, 2.16.2019 It’s only February, but that’s not too early for the Rays to begin their yearly “Manta-Claus” Stingray beauty pageant talent search. Every year, hundreds of fans compete to see whose stingray is the jolliest, and crown the Christmas Ambassador for the Rays. “I’m so excited, I think…

Archeologist discover 1700s era road construction equipment

West Tampa – Hillsborough County – Friday 2.15.2019 Road work. It’s the pride and joy of the Tampa Bay Area; but how original is it? A recent archeological discovery by the University of Tampas own Dr. Anita BettaJobu, sheds new light to exactly how long construction has actually been going on. Discovered at a recent dig…

City Council Officially Declares Tuesday as “Leg Day”

Crunch Fitness – Downtown Tampa – Thursday, 2.14.2019Standing in front of the Crunch Fitness in Channelside, city council chairman, Juan Guiterrez holds a megaphone and attempts to gather a crowd. “Dear fellow citizens of Tampa!” The megaphone emits harsh feedback, the on-lookers jerk back. “As of today, all Tuesdays will officially be declared, ‘Leg Day!’”…

Tampa becomes first openly gay city

Gaybor District – Tampa, FL – Wednesday, 2/6/19 While many cities around the country refuse to come out of the closet, Tampa announced this week that they have known about being gay for many years now and will finally be happy accepting it and living a life with no regrets. Tampa has decided to update…

Special Promotion Places Hard Rock Casino Slot Machines in Hospital Rooms

Tampa General Hospital – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 2.13.2019 A uniquely different promotion is currently underway at Tampa General Hospital, as the Seminole Hard Rock Casino has sponsored the temporary placement of slot machines in hospital bedrooms. Patients will now have 24/7 access to slot machines from the touch of their hand. Large casino-grade machines…

Proposed Tampa streetcar expansion to bring more grind rails, skitch grips, scooter ropes

Co-CityWorks – Tampa Heights – Tuesday 2.12.2019 The Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) unveiled its latest plans for the proposed expansion to the Tampa Streetcar today to a standing-room only crowd at a local co-work space. FDOT officials announced that the current 2.7 mile streetcar track, which zips passengers between Ybor City, Channelside and Downtown…

Pope Cancels Trip to Tampa Citing “Lack of Prayer”

Vatican – Italy – Tuesday, 2.12.2019 The Pope was set to arrive in Tampa this Friday, however he suddenly cancelled the trip citing “lack of prayer.”  “They don’t pray enough,” said the pope as he finished washing a peasant’s feet. “There are many good people in Tampa. Many God-fearing, wholesome individuals in Tampa, yes.” He…

Strawberry farmer sad to find out he planted beans instead

Plant City – Tampa – Monday, 2.11.2019 After a long brutal winter that decimated much of his yield in 2017, Plant City farmer Phillip Retchers vowed to make it up by planting the largest strawberry harvest he could. “I had to do everything I could to make up that loss,” says Retchers. “It wasn’t until a…

Tampa city council votes to erect Bob Evans statue

City Hall – Tampa – Monday, 2.11.2019 In a bizarre twist of events, local city council members have unanimously voted to erect a Bob Evans statue in Lykes Gaslight Park in Downtown Tampa.  “They were all yelling, then at one point they got quiet, then some weird laughing, and then now there’s a bill to…

Fire breaks out at alligator wrestling event

Land O’Lakes – Pasco County – Sunday, 2.10.2019 In a horrific turn of events, the scheduled bout between man and beast at the Land O’Lakes Colosseum ended in tragedy after a botched pyrotechnic spot resulted in the death of Ronny “The Gator Grappler” Davis.  The Colosseum Wrestling Extravaganza (CWE) main event featured Davis defending his championship…

World’s biggest bong breaks in Tampa

Bong City – Tampa – Saturday, 2.9.2019 The world’s largest glass water-pipe, or better known “bong”, was destroyed in Tampa, while it was mishandled during a public displaying at a local glass shop. “We were just admiring the crystals and the chambers when all of a sudden we heard a loud crash and the bottom…

Straz Center Announces Hamilton Ticket Scavenger Hunt

Downtown Tampa – Tampa – Thursday, 2.7.2019 The biggest Broadway musical in recent history is coming to Tampa, and for those not lucky enough to score full price or lottery tickets, there is still a chance to attend.  Straz Center confirmed today that they have hidden an envelope containing two decent seats to Hamilton’s opening night…

Virgin Mary Spotted in Strippers Asshole

Mons Venus – Tampa – Thursday, 2.7.2019 What some are calling “a miracle” took place last weekend when a portrait of the Virgin Mary presented itself in the form of a stripper’s asshole at the Mons Venus on Dale Mabry. “I was putting my money on the counter, nothing big, just ones to try and…

University of South Florida announces merger with University Mall

University of South Florida – Tampa – Wednesday, 2.6.2019 University of South Florida (USF) announced new expansion plans which will add the floundering 100-acre University Mall to its campus. “We saw this as the next logical step to create a complete learning and living experience for our students,” says USF Community Development President, Richardo Gimineez.…

Homosassa Becomes Exclusive Gay-Black Community Named “HomoSassy”

City Hall – Homosassa – Wednesday, 2.6.2019 After a 5-4 vote between local legislators, the town of Homosassa, FL, will now officially be called “HomoSassy” and cater to only gay and black residents, exclusively. “It felt like a natural fit,” said county Urologist Nelson Mandelay. “The name is so close to homo-sassy, and I mean…

GoFundMe created to stop Tampa News Force

Update Saturday, 2.9.19 As of today, donations have begun pouring in to Shutdown Tampa News Force, it’s only a matter of time before supporters gather the necessary donations to purchase our publication and shut us down. Don’t let Shutdown Tampa News Force win! Help us stop the shutdown of Tampa News Force by donating today to our…

Hyde Park pet groomer offers canine sex changes

Puppy Cuts – Tampa – Tuesday, 2.5.2019In a perversely progressive move, local groomer “Puppy Cuts” will now offer sex changes for dogs. Per owner request, a dog will now have the ability to become a bitch or a boy. The surgery will be done all in-store, and should take less than 15 minutes, as long…

Longtime Tampa resident, Cuban coffee fears deportation

Guadalupes Espresso Roasting – East Tampa – Tuesday, 2.5.2019 Beloved community member and Tampa resident, Cuban coffee, fears his time in the United States is up due to the latest changes in immigration laws. “I came to this country and got my citizenship by setting foot on American soil,” says a freshly roasted batch of…

World’s Fattest Pig Enters Tampa Mayoral Race

City Hall – Tampa – Monday, 2.4.2019 “Bertha” The “World’s Fattest Pig” as quoted by the sign at the state-fair, has entered the Tampa mayoral race, after winning the hearts of Tampanians during her last visit to the fair-grounds.  “She’s just so darn cute!” Says Betty Coop, mother of six, four of them on leashes.…

Hillsborough County Commissioners sign bill to legalize “surprise” Rohypnol

Ybor – Tampa – Florida – Monday, 2.4.2019 In a stunning twist last week, a bill was presented by local Ybor bar owners to allow the free and “surprise” distribution of Rohypnol in local clubs. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, the Hillsborough Board of Commissioners were happy to fast-track the bill. “I couldn’t be more…

St. Pete enlists muralists to beautify downtown homeless

Downtown St. Pete – Tampa Bay – Saturday, 2.2.2019 Due to a lack of wall space in St. Petersburg, local muralists have turned to sand art and painting the bodies and possessions of the homeless. Every square inch of available space to paint has been taken up by professional muralists and wannabe artists alike. With…

“Minor Mondays” at gas station liquor stores goes citywide

Land O’Lakes – Tampa – Friday, 2.1.2019 What started out as a simple promotion by a Sunoco Gas Station in Wesley Chapel, has gone citywide in Tampa with a new push for “Minor Monday” as a way for gas stations to get rid of all their extra Four Loko’s and spiked seltzers. “Our usual booze…

Tampa Bay History Center to Open “Big Tits” Exhibit

Tampa History Museum – Downtown – Friday, 2.1.2019 The crown-jewel of the downtown area will have a new exhibit opening soon. The Tampa Bay History Center will officially open it’s “Big Tits” Exhibit next Friday.  “It’s our breast idea yet!” Snorts Jack Bennington, Head Curator of the museum. “We really try our best here to…

Two kids fight at skate park down the street

Bro Bowl – Tampa – Wednesday, 1.30.2019 Two young-adults, got into a physical altercation at the world-famous, Bro Bowl skate-park, by Downtown Tampa. “I’ll tell you what happened,” says a boy with red dreadlocks. He motions me to come towards him, however his friend puts me in a headlock from behind which I barely get…

Tampa installs red light ramps to help ease traffic congestion

Carrolwood – Tampa – Tuesday, 1.29.2019 Tampa drivers rejoiced today as new red light launch ramps officially became operational on certain busy intersections to help ease traffic congestions. Drivers speeding and zipping in and out lanes towards a red light in rush hour traffic will now have a chance to launch their vehicles over stopped…

Bob Buckhorn pledges a better defensive effort for the upcoming night attack on Ybor City

City Hall – Downtown Tampa – Monday, 1.29.2019 Following the recent pirate attack on Tampa Bay, mayor Bob Buckhorn has pledged a better defensive effort for the upcoming night attack on Ybor City. “Gasparilla was a disaster,” a distressed Buckhorn said. “The pirate ship came right into Tampa Bay, just like it has for 115 years. Nobody put up a real…

“Chicken Park” In Ybor Now Accepting Goats, Pigs, Cows, More

Richard Jimenez Park – Ybor City – Monday, 1.28.2019 Richard Jimenez Park, in Ybor City, famously known as “Chicken Park” by the locals, will now home more than just our fowl friends. As of Monday, they will now be home to over a dozen new farm animals included in a new bill recently passed by…

Cruise Ship Releases Thousands of Herpes-Infected Rats into Tampa Bay

Tampa – Channelside – Sunday, 1.27.2019 Tampa General Hospital hits unsafe occupancy levels due to hundreds of cases of herpes-infected bite-wounds this week, shortly after the return of the MS Carnival Magic from a week long “booze-cruise” to the Caribbean. “We’re totally unprepared for this sort of thing,” a Tampa General nurse, Alicia McMeirdes complains…

Gasparilla Extended to Last Entire Month of February

Bayshore – Tampa – Friday, 1.25.2019 “Now we’ll see how much they really like pirates.” Says county commissioner Ben Gordon. “Citizens are constantly talking about Gasparilla and pirates and the Bucs, we figured, why not try an experiment here and give people what they want.” The Gasparilla pirate invasion will now last from Saturday, January…

Tampa Mayoral race to be decided with Hunger Games-style arena battle

Tampa – City Hall – Friday, 1.25.2019 Citing lack of enthusiasm for the traditional election format, the Hillsborough County Commissions decided that on Tuesday, March 5, all eight eligibly-declared Tampa mayoral candidates will be pitted against each other in arena style battle to decide who will become the next mayor. The special battle-election will be held in…

Busch Gardens Adds Authentic Modern African Experience to it’s Safari Ride

Busch Gardens – Tampa – Thursday, 1.24.2019 Busch Gardens has installed a new section of it’s safari attraction which will include modern African culture to make the experience feel more authentic and exciting.  Instead of only the animals you’d find roaming the Great Plains, you will now be driven through a war-torn Sierra Leone and…

Tampa freelance sex entrepreneurs feel tax increases on prophylactics

Tampa – Nebraska Avenue – Wednesday, 1.23.2019 Entrepreneurs in Tampa’s North Nebraska Avenue area are feeling the crunch from the tax increases that took effect on January 1st. As part of the referendum approved by voters in November, which also brought the sales tax rate to 8.5%, The County and City governments will be collecting…

Tampa Chick-fil-A faces Caucasian backlash over new spicy chicken menu Items

Wesley Chapel – Tampa – Monday, 1.21.2019 The backlash was instant, with some even calling for a boycott of the restaurant. Those speaking out against the newly released additions to the Chick-fil-A menu feel like it’s an assault on their taste buds. Caucasians around the bay area are now rallying against their once most beloved…

Local eatery caught serving cuban sandwiches made with human meat

Ybor City – Tampa – Sunday, 1.20.2019 In a disturbing twist of events, it’s been discovered that a local eatery in Ybor City has “accidentally” been serving cuban sandwiches made with human meat. Local eatery in Ybor City has “accidentally” been serving cuban sandwiches made with human meat. “It’s a funny story,” says Red Crocker,…

Arctic survival gear spotted as Bay Area temperatures turn cold-ish

Downtown Tampa, Sunday, 1.20.2019 A cold front from Canada has rolled into the Tampa Bay area, something which happens every year and lasts for about nine days, causing temperatures to dip into the 50s. As a result, local residents have been spotted wearing extreme cold-weather gear appropriate for research expeditions to the polar ice caps.…

Health Concerns Amidst Gov. Shutdown As Tampa Pro Moat Race Rapidly Approaches

Skate Park of Tampa – Tampa – Saturday, 1.19.2019 With less than two months until the world-renowned Tampa Pro brings the globe’s best skateboarding talent and highest Pabst Blue Ribbon consumption rates in America, concerns are beginning to surface over the safety of the most significant contest of the weekend – Moat Race. “Safety is…

First ever combination strip club pawn shop set to open in Tampa

Dale Mabry – Tampa – Saturday, 1.19.2019 “Spunkies” will officially become the first strip club pawn-shop combination in Tampa history when it’s doors open for business next Monday. A common issue strip clubs face is when the patron runs out of money. So now, instead of them leaving, they can pawn off their valuables instantaneously…

Amid Shutdown, Hungry TSA Agents Confiscating Snacks, Drinks

Tampa International Airport – Tampa – Friday, 1.18.2019 With no end in sight to the record-breaking government shutdown, federal employees are expected to work without paychecks. This group of 800,000 workers includes TSA agents monitoring passengers at airports around the country. As the political standoff continues, TSA agents are reportedly supplementing food costs by targeting…

Man proposes to girlfriend through SunTrust lights only to get rejected

Downtown – Tampa – Thursday, 1.17.2019 On a Thursday night after a mediocre meal at a crowded pho boutique, Reggie got ready for the moment of his life. He had spent 20 grand to make sure that the lights at the top of the SunTrust building in downtown would read, “Will U Marry Me Larissa?”…

New postseason athletic banquet standards delay Bucs banquet

One Buccaneer Place – Tampa – Thursday, 1.17.2019 Following Monday night’s reception for the national college football champion Clemson Tigers at the White House, which consisted of hamburgers from fast food chains McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King, caterers have been forced to temporarily postpone the Tampa Bay Buccaneers postseason banquet. The yearly banquet will be…

Tampa Bay Lightning to crank up Tesla coils

Amalie Arena – Tampa – Friday, 1.18.2019In honor of the late Nikola Tesla, and in a synergy cross-promotion effort with the Elon Musk company “Tesla,” for one night only, Amalie Arena will crank up the intensity of the Tesla coils during the upcoming Lightning game against the Dallas Stars.“We’re excited!” Says Chelsea Molton, long-time lighting…

Additional hate groups apply for giant flag placement along I-75

I-4 and I-75 – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 1.16.2019 The giant confederate flag that flies on the I-75 interstate highway near Brandon has been drawing attention for years, now it’s being noticed by hate groups who want their flags to get similar attention. “Them boys are doing fine work, but if people think they’re the…

Hundreds line up for opening of Tampa’s first buttchugging coffee shop

Hyde Park – South Tampa – Wednesday, 1.16.2019 Hundreds of coffee aficionados traveled to South Tampa today for the grand opening of Tampa’s first buttchugging coffee shop, ‘Buddy Boofed’.  Tampa’s first buttchugging coffee shop, ‘Buddy Boofed’ The small independent coffee shop is the first of its kind to offer the new, faster and more convenient…

Tampa Convention Center to host HOM’OCON, largest panhandlers convention in Florida

Downtown Tampa – Tampa Convention Center – Tuesday, 1.15.2019 Tampa Convention Center is preparing for the sixth annual Homeless Organization Convention, (HOM’OCon.) a traveling panhandler gathering that brings together the best panhandlers from around the globe for three nights of workshops, networking events and presentations. Homeless people sign in to registration table at HOM’OCon. The…


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