Sunshine Skyway – St. Petersburg – Wednesday, 1.9.2019

As 2018 came to a close so did a record number of caskets from Skyway jumpers.

Pressure has been put on the city for preventative measures, none of which include access to mental health professionals. An array of ideas have been floating around like the corpses in the Bay.

One city official said “We should put veterans at the top with guns that shoot nets, that have a bungee chord attached” many were opposed to putting veterans atop the bridge due to the high number veteran suicides.

An idea has been gaining traction in city hall to install catch nets along the bridge. Most are in favor of the nets, but others feel the could become “Fuck Hammocks” a source close to Tampa News Force stated.

New nets being installed along Sunshine Skyway bridge are meant to save people attempting suicide, but many fear they could also double as "Fuck Hammocks"
New nets being installed along Sunshine Skyway bridge are meant to save people attempting suicide, but many fear they could also double as “Fuck Hammocks”

Our sources have told us city officials are worried the nets would become a literal breeding ground. An anonymous source said “We would have people climbing out there to sport fuck within days of completion. This is Florida we can’t have nice things. Nets are a great idea but just won’t work financially. The cleaning and maintenance alone would bleed our budget dry. We’d have to hire a team of highly skilled net cleaners to clean of the bird shit and cum”

Kyle Ruse Tampa News Force Correspondent
Official Hot Wing Critic and Tampa News Force Correspondent

Kyle Ruse

Tattooer, Comic, Typo master, Habitual hater, Writer @zebracorner, IG @kyle_ruse. Check him out at kyleruse.com

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27 Comments

  1. Congrats, it has only taken 10 days to be the funniest fucking thing I have read this year. I’m a veteran, fucked up humor and all… this is hilarious. “One city official said “We should put veterans at the top with guns that shoot nets, that have a bungee chord attached” many were opposed to putting veterans atop the bridge due to the high number veteran suicides. ” Kudos to writing brilliant satire.

  2. Why do people have to resort to using the “F” word! It’s offensive and of truly horrible taste! It truly shows the unintelligence of the person spewing those words. Do you talk like this in front of your children! If you do, shame on you!

    1. Kathleen!Good morning Dear Lady.I find it offensive that today’s language has been scurrilously inveigled with vile Anglo Saxon(of which I am one) epithets and swearwords.Is it because the useage of these vile words is easy or is it more likely that the users are semi illiterate and can’t form a sentence grammatically without them?You take care now of you and yours

    2. Well fuck, I had to fuck to make the fucking fucker, the little fuck should know what the fuck “fuck” means by the time she’s three!

    3. Really Kathleen?? Is that all you got from that article??? Our generation talks that way-get over it. Hammocks are obviously a joke; but this is a serious matter. “Fuck” shouldn’t be the highlight of the article. If that’s all it takes to offend you, I have no clue how you live in the world today….

  3. Joking about corpses floating in the bay is not amusing. My uncle died on that bridge and I don’t find it tasteful for you to take a serious subject and think it’s an appropriate time to try to be comical.

  4. The person that wrote this article deserves to die themselves. What a bunch of pieces of shit but I actually think this is funny.

  5. Tune in for next week’s article titled “The World Doesn’t fucking revolve around you and who the fuck cares how that guy talks around his fuck fuckitty fucking kids as long as there fed clothed loved and provided for.” It’s really good. He got another one called “you didn’t have to read it you stuck up prude” or the one about an upset woman called “why don’t you have someone blow the dust out of your twat”.

  6. I just got someone being rude to me they posted this story on a page jeez gave me a heart attack I’m too old for this and suicide is something my husband dealt with he’s dead I’m a single widowed mom ok the jokes on me ! I’m not laughing Im upset! Oh well guess my bad!

  7. I try not to be a grammar nazi. But without a comma before “over”, you sound less like a concerned humanitarian and more like you’re a voyeuer with a hint of necrophilia

  8. New thing on my bucket list now if they get installed. Fuck on the side of the skyway. Yea buddy #fuckhammockshereicum

  9. The truest bit of American zeitgeist here is outrage at the use of “fuck” but not outrage at the gutting of mental health funding started under Nixon and then Reagan, which just set the new standard for accelerating our downward race, much like adopting the term “Human Resource” instead of “Human Being.”

  10. Imagine fucking on the fuck hammocks and then having a person fall on you while they’re trying to kill themselves. Now that would be an interesting conversation.

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