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Rays decide to wrap up ‘23 season

Following a 4-0 win over the Detroit Tigers to open the 2023 Major League Baseball season, the Tampa Bay Rays have decided that they’re done for the year. “We had great pitching and defense, obviously. I mean, we shut them out,” said Rays manager Kevin Cash. “Plus, timely hitting with power. You really can’t ask…

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MLB installs Bitch Clock at Tropicana Field

Bitch Clock

Major League Baseball (MLB) is implementing a number of changes for the 2023 season, including rule changes, larger bases and a clock that will limit time taken between pitches. One of these changes will be specific to Tampa Bay Rays games at Tropicana Field. In order to facilitate complaints about the much-maligned domed home stadium…

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Guy at home declares Bucs season over

Bucs Over

Following the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21-3 loss to the Carolina Panthers this past Sunday, their second consecutive loss to an opponent perceived to be far inferior, Rich Knuckler of Tampa has declared that the team’s season is over. The announcement came from the couch in his living where he watches all the games on television,…

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Dumb-ass idea dies deservedly

Rays Sternberg

The Tampa Bay Rays proposal to share the financially beleaguered Major League Baseball (MLB) franchise with the city of Montreal, a concept the organization has been committed to for years, has been officially squashed by Major League Baseball’s executive council. “We didn’t step in sooner because we had no idea that this was something being…

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Kevin Cash named Manager of the Year

Kevin Cash MOY

Tampa Bay Rays manager Kevin Cash has been named Manager of the Year for Subway’s Tampa Bay Region, Tampa Division, Hillsborough Avenue Between Florida Avenue and Sheldon Road, Not Located Within a Radiant Gas Station District. “This is a very prestigious award”, said Cash. “I feel really honored. At first, I wasn’t too psyched about…

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ESPN to launch yet another guy screaming hot takes at you show

ESPN's new show

ESPN, the once self-described “Worldwide Leader in Sports”, is launching yet another show consisting of a man yelling his opinions about the world of sports into a camera “We were going to call it ‘Hot Balls’ or ‘The Crunch Zone’ or ‘Crunch Balls’ or something like that”, said ESPN regional producer Curtis Teebox. “But I’m…

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Red Tide Raises Rays

Tiding Up

Following the Rays clinching the American League East Division for the second consecutive season while compiling the best regular season record in the franchise’s 23-year history, with 100 wins for the first time, many are wondering how such a thing could possibly happen, considering that the team was thought to be significantly weaker after losing…

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