Tampa History Museum – Downtown – Friday, 2.1.2019

The crown-jewel of the downtown area will have a new exhibit opening soon. The Tampa Bay History Center will officially open it’s “Big Tits” Exhibit next Friday. 

“It’s our breast idea yet!” Snorts Jack Bennington, Head Curator of the museum. “We really try our best here to capture the essence of Tampa, and the rich history of our ancestors, aside from the natives of course,” He laughs so hard food comes out of his mouth. “We figured it was time to have a reason for people to actually ‘come’ here you know?” He does air-quotes for the word “come” then laughs so hard he falls backwards in his chair and it breaks a tape dispenser. “I’m sorry, this is my first time being interviewed,” Jack says. We begin to walk out of the room. “Wait, come back!”

The exhibit will feature blown up and remastered, original copies of vintage film developed of large breasts. Big boobs over the many decades in Tampa. Recovered films of early peep-shows and brothels located around Hillsborough County, some which are still active to this day.

Guests will also receive a half-off coupon for a second entree at the Hooters Channelside. As part of a cross-promotion between the local businesses, patrons will also get to watch a currently employed stripper dance on a pool in the center of the exhibit while patrons can make a “donation” of upwards of $20 and the big breasted woman will grind on your lap the way flappers did in the early 1920’s.

Tampa Bay History Center Opens Big Tit Exhibit
Tampa Bay History Center Opens ‘Big Tit Exhibit’

“Daddy, daddy! Can I have a turn?” Says young Jeremiah Trevor to his father. “Well, just like they mentioned earlier in the article, the exhibit isn’t open til ‘next’ Friday. I’m sorry son, you’ll just have to wait to get your genitals stimulated just like the rest of us.” He shrugs and his son understands. 

The Museum is expecting a spike in ticket sales once the new exhibit is open, seeing as the museum already served food and alcohol, so for them to offer a “big tits” exhibit it will now be one of the few locations in Tampa where food is served amongst topless woman, and children are allowed to attend.

“We could’ve imposed an age minimum,” says Bennington. “But that’s just not our style. I don’t have any style!” He holds out his neck-tie to reveal that it’s not actually a pattern but a series of stains that have turned his article of clothing into an art-like fashion statement. “I still can’t believe you guys are here interviewing me.” We start to walk faster. “Did I tell you that my friend went to college with the guy who made Contra?” We slam the van door shut, narrowly missing his face.

Tickets will be $6.90 as some have found that “funny.” The exhibit is set to last until federal agents conduct their investigation into the logistics of the operation and issue a gag order. “Gag order!” Shouts Bennington, muffled off in the distance, standing on top of a dumpster waving a flare at our car. 

The museum is urging residents to “be ready for the awkward drive home,” however to “keep an open mind,” and remember, “You asked for this.”

John Jacobs, Tampa News Force Senior Correspondent
Tampa News Force Senior Correspondent

John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds

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