Posts by Chingy Lopez
NRSC Selects Rick Scott to Make US Senate More Racist
After Republicans lost the US Senate majority, the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) selected Florida Senator and Slender Man impersonator, Rick Scott, as their new Chairman. “As you may have heard, I have just now taken over as the Chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee,” said Scott in a video message he released on…
Read MoreDuke Energy builds Solar Panel Field in the Shape of Bottle of Olde English 800
As part of a new partnership deal with malt liquor manufacturer Miller Brewing Company, Duke Energy has completed construction on a solar field shaped like a 32 oz bottle of Olde English 800. “This solar field will usher in a new era of carbon-neutral energy production,” said lead solar panel installer for Duke Energy, Sophegs…
Read MoreCold Front Leaves Tampa Man Paralyzed in Middle of Street
While many around the Tampa Bay area celebrated today’s chilly weather, Saxy Raffleson was left crippled and fighting for his life while trying to cross Nebraska Avenue. “I was crossing the street and then this guy dressed in a blue full-body suit came up behind me and hit me in my lower back with a…
Read MoreSecond Mysterious Monolith Discovered in Tampa Greyhound Track Parking Lot
In what many are calling a sign of the upcoming apocalypse, Tampa Government officials announced that they have discovered a mysterious metal monolith in the parking lot of the Tampa Greyhound Track (TGT). “We thought this place had been abandoned for decades,” said Dyerhea Juice, senior aerial survey crew member for the Tampa Government. “During…
Read MoreToronto Raptors Unveil Tampa Raptors Jerseys, Drake Approves
During a joint press conference with the Tampa Bay Sports Commission, the Toronto Raptors management team, along with Toronto Rapper Drake, unveiled the temporary Tampa Bay Raptors jerseys for the 2021 NBA Season. “I am not a pedophile,” said Drake, unprompted, before the press conference began. He then signaled for his music to be played.…
Read MoreFlorida Election Results: Liberals Realize they Don’t Bang Enough
After realizing that Donald Trump easily defeated Joe Biden in a popularity contest, Liberals in Florida took a good hard look at their sex spreadsheets. “I’m just not reproducing at the speed that I should I have compared to my Republican ‘Compadres’,” said Shimrod Orangotan, a man who admitted to me that he hasn’t…
Read MoreFlorida Man Stabs Gun with Flamethrower
A man who recently purchased a flamethrower from Elon Musk is receiving a lot of attention on his social media. “I saw the flamethrower for sale, and it wasn’t illegal to have it in my county,” said Pasco County resident Beephy Wellington. “The flamethrower had a fire sword mode and I’ve just been going…
Read MoreTampa Child’s Imaginary Friend Arrested for Voter Fraud
A young Tampa boy had his imaginary friend arrested today after they attempted to install a fake mail-in ballot drop box in his neighborhood. “We were hanging out playing Antifa vs Proud Boys, a game we made up where I wear my mom’s clothes and go up to her to tell her I’m a proud…
Read MoreFlorida’s Amendment 4 Gives Felons Who Served Their Time the Right to Go Fuck Themselves
Governor Ron DeSantis held a press conference today hoping to set the record straight on the intent of Amendment 4 that was passed in 2018. DeSantis dismissed concerns that he did everything in his power to stop the will of the people of Florida who overwhelmingly voted to give felons who served their time in…
Read MoreTampa Sex Club Forced to Shut Down Ass Eating Night
Due to unnecessary red-tape and regulation from the Democrats in Tallahassee, Ass Eating Night in the popular Tampa Bay Area Sex Club, Oxfords’ Sex Exchange, has been put on hiatus until further notice. “Those bureaucrats in the capital need get out of the way,” said OSE owner and operator Lexman Hothman. “Ass Eating Night is…
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