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Publix to begin carpetbagging groceries

Carpet Bagger

A new bagging policy at Publix is causing some concerns with customers who are not sure what “carpetbagging” means. “From what I’ve gathered in my quick Google search, it’s some political term,” said Publix bagger Jeni Richards. “They didn’t really train us on it, so I brought this strip of carpet from my house and…

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Rick Scott Accused of Hoarding Aborted Fetuses

Rick Scott Fetus collector

As the Florida legislature readies its Texas-style abortion law, Senator Rick Scott has announced plans to purchase an abortion clinic just to close it. “We are going to shut this abortion clinic down,” said Senator Scott while licking his lips aggressively. “This isn’t about my body, my choice. This is about killing delicious…I mean precious…

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Tampa Sex Workers to Require Proof of Vaccination for Services

Sex Worker

Citing the high number of new coronavirus cases, local sex workers in Tampa have begun asking clients for proof of vaccination before exchanging money for sex. “We have a strong union in this city,” said Tampa Sex Workers Union President, Miguelita Chochita. “Since the beginning of this pandemic, us sex workers have been taking every…

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New Florida Abortion Law to Include Exemptions for Wealthy Residents

De Baby

Following in the footsteps of the Texas law banning abortions after the detection of a fetal “heartbeat”, Florida lawmakers today unveiled similar legislation that restricts access to abortions after 6-weeks unless the abortion recipient comes from a wealthy family. “This law will protect unborn children who require a chance at life!” Screamed Janet Blandy, a…

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8-Week Bathroom Attendant Program Now Enrolling at USF

USF Bathroom Attendant

For those seeking a career change, USF has announced a series of 8-week certificates for employees looking to get started in a new field. “This is our first test program, and we look forward to staffing many of the current vacant bathroom attendant positions in Tampa,” said USF Bathroom Attendant Program Director, Stanki Pharts.  “Before…

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Best places to visit if you’re only in Tampa for one day

One day

Sometimes when you visit a city, you don’t have time to take it all in.  Fortunately for Tampa, we have a few essential spots that will make you feel like you’ve lived here your whole life. 5. The Original Hooters Location The place that started it all. The Original Hooters location offers everything you love…

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New Tampa Resident Excited to Turn All Pants into Jorts

Jorts Guy

After his recent move to Tampa Bay, 28-year-old Kyle Willis realized that he didn’t own a single pair of shorts. “Where I’m from originally I never had to wear shorts,” said Willis while wielding a machete. “I didn’t have any money when I moved here so I couldn’t afford to update my wardrobe.” Willis, like…

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Star Wars Themed Motel to Open on Nebraska Avenue

Star Wars Motel

A new Star Wars-inspired motel on Nebraska avenue is offering a cheaper alternative to Disney’s new Star Wars Resort. “Those Disney folks are charging a few grand a night for some sleeping pods,” said Luke Bacca, founder of the recently renovated Star Wars motel on Tampa’s famous Nebraska Avenue. “I went ahead and converted all…

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Florida Republicans Vow to Violently Defund Education

Defunding education

After announcing sanctions against school districts that impose mask mandates, Florida Republicans have announced a plan to fully defund public education. “These school districts are trying to protect children from something that isn’t even real,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a joint meeting with Florida Education Commissioner Richard Corcoran.  “It’s time that we de-militarized…

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