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New Florida Abortion Law to Include Exemptions for Wealthy Residents

De Baby

Following in the footsteps of the Texas law banning abortions after the detection of a fetal “heartbeat”, Florida lawmakers today unveiled similar legislation that restricts access to abortions after 6-weeks unless the abortion recipient comes from a wealthy family. “This law will protect unborn children who require a chance at life!” Screamed Janet Blandy, a…

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8-Week Bathroom Attendant Program Now Enrolling at USF

USF Bathroom Attendant

For those seeking a career change, USF has announced a series of 8-week certificates for employees looking to get started in a new field. “This is our first test program, and we look forward to staffing many of the current vacant bathroom attendant positions in Tampa,” said USF Bathroom Attendant Program Director, Stanki Pharts.  “Before…

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Best places to visit if you’re only in Tampa for one day

One day

Sometimes when you visit a city, you don’t have time to take it all in.  Fortunately for Tampa, we have a few essential spots that will make you feel like you’ve lived here your whole life. 5. The Original Hooters Location The place that started it all. The Original Hooters location offers everything you love…

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New Tampa Resident Excited to Turn All Pants into Jorts

Jorts Guy

After his recent move to Tampa Bay, 28-year-old Kyle Willis realized that he didn’t own a single pair of shorts. “Where I’m from originally I never had to wear shorts,” said Willis while wielding a machete. “I didn’t have any money when I moved here so I couldn’t afford to update my wardrobe.” Willis, like…

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Star Wars Themed Motel to Open on Nebraska Avenue

Star Wars Motel

A new Star Wars-inspired motel on Nebraska avenue is offering a cheaper alternative to Disney’s new Star Wars Resort. “Those Disney folks are charging a few grand a night for some sleeping pods,” said Luke Bacca, founder of the recently renovated Star Wars motel on Tampa’s famous Nebraska Avenue. “I went ahead and converted all…

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Florida Republicans Vow to Violently Defund Education

Defunding education

After announcing sanctions against school districts that impose mask mandates, Florida Republicans have announced a plan to fully defund public education. “These school districts are trying to protect children from something that isn’t even real,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a joint meeting with Florida Education Commissioner Richard Corcoran.  “It’s time that we de-militarized…

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Florida Education Commissioner Revealed to be a Sentient Bag of Dicks

Bag O Dicks

During a recent press conference, Florida’s Education Commissioner had a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally revealed that the man we all knew as Richard Corcoran was secretly a literal bag of dicks that had gained sentience and became a politician. “Look, I know my real appearance might surprise people,” said the sentient bag of dicks. Reporters…

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Man Wearing Rays Hat Surprised to Learn They Are Doing Well

Rays hat

While out getting drunk for his best friend’s birthday, a Tampa man was recently surprised to learn that the Tampa Bay Rays are doing well this season. “Honestly I don’t even know how I ended up owning this hat,” said Fabio Sukiyo, a 32-year-old man from Seffner.  “I haven’t watched baseball in over 10 years,…

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How to Start a Militia in Florida

How to Start a Militia

If you’re reading this, chances are you have a lot of guns and want to meet other like-minded individuals to share survival strategies for the upcoming culture war.  Thankfully, we here at Tampa News Force have helped dozens of militias find their bearings and with these helpful tips, you too will be training for the…

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