In an effort to end mass shootings, all babies born from now on will be given guns immediately at birth in an attempt to breed an evolution of humans with guns built directly into their bodies.
“By familiarizing newborns with guns, we’re hoping to ultimately have a race of humans born with guns already in their bodies, and ammunition that would be produced within their own bodies, kind of like Spiderman, and his web slinging. At least, like the Toby Maguire Spiderman.” Said Dr. Jenna Tulls, spearheading the brave new movement.
“We know for sure that the only thing that will stop shootings is more guns, so what’s a more effective way of getting guns into people’s hands, then literally putting them in their hands at birth, giving them their first worldly memory, and their first friend.” Dr. Tulls told a crowded press core over a zoom meeting.
“We’ve partnered with the United States government, and Lockheed Martin, to charter a multi-trillion dollar deal which will keep politicians, and gun dealers, very rich, for infinite generations to come, while also arming all of humanity. It was a no brainer, in the sense that you would have to have no brain to go against this deal.” Dr. Tulls giggled proudly, showing her bright white teeth.
“We’ve created scientific research which specifically supports our intentions which we’ve uploaded to our website, showing that this is indeed, a very good idea.”
One of the journalists then digitally raised their hand to ask a question in the virtual chat.
“But if humans evolve to produce their own organic guns, wouldn’t that then mean we would not need to buy guns anymore, if we’re able to make our own?” Asked a young reporter with his button-up shirt half-untucked.
Dr. Tulls looked at his box in the zoom chat, and her smile quickly became an angered, teeth-clenched, delirium, before exiting the room, and the press conference ending.
Within fifteen minutes of this occurrence, men in suits then showed up at each of our homes and told us we must give them our laptops or phones which we used to participate in the zoom chat. I was able to give them a decoy laptop and I kept the real one which has a recording of the meeting which I’ve uploaded onto the Tampa News Force website.
Two days after posting the full zoom chat meeting on our website, I came home to find my guinea pig’s throat slit and my cat burned alive in my oven, with a typed letter posted on my refrigerator which said, “You will be dead soon because you didn’t give us the real laptop.”
I’m not sure who left the note or why they want to kill me, but this might be the last thing I ever write for Tampa News Force.
Do you think I should have just given them the real laptop I used? I didn’t want to. It’s a nice laptop that I enjoy and use regularly to masturbate to some of my favorite internet porn. I don’t want to give that up.
If you think I should have just given them the laptop, let me know in the comments below. Let me know what you think I should do next.
If you don’t see a follow-up on this story it is because Dr. Jenna Tulls ordered people to kill me.