Kevin Sxinxst of Brandon is sad that the recent ransomware attack on the Colonial Pipeline that shut it down for six days and caused widespread gas station outages in the Southeast is apparently over already.
“Oh man, this sucks,” he said. “I have a supply of jokes that would have lasted for months!”
“I don’t think it counts as a ‘supply’ when you just make the same jokes over and over again”, said his wife Kandace.
Widespread panic seemed to reach a peak in the middle of last week with reports of people hoarding fuel, using unsuitable containers for storage and getting into physical altercations over line-jumping.
Wednesday night, at a family dinner outing at Babe’s Pizza, he announced, “Hey gang, I’ve solved the gas shortage”, and proceeded to break wind.
“Right there in the dining room!”, said his teenaged daughter Tiffany. “Everybody turned around and looked at us. So embarrassing”.
The next day, on a shopping excursion to Publix, the family all put on facemasks before entering the story. “You want a reason to wear those masks? Here you go”, he said as he released an air biscuit. “I was really pleased with that one”, he said. “Double topical!”
His younger daughter Chloe said she’s glad the issue has been resolved. “I was already not wanting to be around him. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if this had gone on for weeks.”
“Hey, anybody in the mood for fartcuterie?”, he inquired at the family dinner table Friday night, by which time it appeared the pipeline was functioning fully again. “I’ll cut the cheese!”, he announced as his family got up and left the table.
His son Connor is somewhat less critical of his dad’s flatulence-themed comedy. “I think the jokes are funny”, he said. “I just wished he didn’t feel the need to actually follow through with the farts. It’s overkill and lacks subtlety.”
“They don’t appreciate quality humor”, said Kevin disgustedly as he attempted one final joke that was aggressively ignored. “Uh oh, I just Trumped in my Biden-pends! Come on! Nothing? Bi-partisan!”