Raymond James Stadium – Tampa – Sunday, 4.27.2019
Raymond James Stadium has completed construction on a special “Walk the Plank” attraction, which will allow fans to experience what it is like to walk on an actual plank and be pushed off into a large pool of water.
Peter the Pirate mascot will push patrons with his foam sword until they walk themselves off the plank, creating a large splash, which onlookers can use to cool down during hot summer days.
“We’ve tried everything else,” said Senior Football Adviser, Kenneth Keith, who has worked for the Bucs for over 18 months.“Yea, the marketing department has thought of most things, but sadly fans can’t seem to look past the whole ‘football’ aspect of it all.”
Keith dropped his Subway sandwich down his pants, and tried to shake it from out of his pant leg. “We’ve given out dolls, toys, hired new coaches, quarterbacks, so we figure why not go full-out pirate and play to our strong suits. We’re buccaneers! Pirate S**t!”
Keith then did a summer-salt into the next room revealing a large pile of footballs. “Want to play football catch with me?” He said with wide eyes like a child seeing something it liked. I played catch with Keith for about 8 hours in a dark backroom of One Buc Place.
“So anyways, what about that story huh? Raymond James is installing a ‘walk the plank’ feature?” I asked him.
Keith then got serious with me. He took a deep breath as he held a catch ball (football.) “No I just made that up.” He said while trying to hold back tears.
“What?” I said, upsettedly, because I had now wasted many hours playing catch with this stranger.
“I just wanted a friend to play catch with, and I knew if I made up a story about the Buccaneers creating a walk the plank experience, you’d respond to my TNF email and you’d come do a story… on me…” He reached out his hand. I slapped it away.
“What are you crazy?” I shouted. “I drove from Ybor to get here, during rush hour, and even though I really only took like one road to get all the way to Dale Mabry, it still took a long time, and I could be editing videos or playing super smash brothers against children somewhere in the world, but instead you’ve wasted my precious time on some stupid made up story!”
I started to laugh. I couldn’t control it, even though I wanted to remain straight-faced.
“You know what, that’s actually funny.” I said.
Keith grinned widely and showed his teeth.“Now that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!” He showed me made-up blue-prints for the fake “walk-the-plank” experience. “If we can raise two-hundred-twenty-five-milllion-dollars, we’ll be able to build our attraction onto the side of the building and I think everyone will like it!
“I agree!” I said, and left. As I was driving back I thought to myself, “Wow, what a total waste of time! Can you imagine if you actually did something productive!”
But then I reflected and realized that there is nothing I could be doing that would actually really be that productive. I’m not producing. I guess I am because I’m producing writing, but still? Is it producing? What am I producing? Laughs? Sometimes? Barely? Yikes.
I can’t believe my eyes. Or ears. I can’t believe anything anymore.