Religion
God decides during pride month gays can go to heaven
The creator of everything, God, notorious for being against the concept of homosexuality, has decided to soften his stance on same-sex love, by allowing gay people to get in to heaven during pride month. “I’ll be honest, hell is just becoming too gay, I’ve sent so many gay people there, and I get so much…
Read MoreMan turns Jewish after drinking from Hillsborough River
Tinsley Jordan, a Wisconsin man who was visiting Tampa on vacation by himself, has reportedly turned Jewish after drinking water from the Hillsborough River. The river, which is not supposed to be consumed by humans due to pollution, has no previous history of changing anyones race or religion, however, it is documented on a security…
Read MoreTampa Mega Church Converts to Scientology
The pastor of Tampa’s largest mega-church has shocked the community by announcing that the church will be converting to Scientology. Pastor Paul White, a fifth-generation Tampa pastor, made the announcement during a sermon last Sunday. “We have been praying and seeking guidance, and we have come to the conclusion that Scientology is the one true…
Read MoreWhich religion is the best? Deities ranked
Yea, nice try. I’m not writing this. You think I’m crazy enough to put all religions in an order from best to worst? You’d have to be out of your mind. That’s too risky and dangerous. Which says a lot about religions that they can’t take being satirized. They can say they are, but they…
Read MoreAtheism rises among Tampa residents who still don’t have power
The lack of faith in God has swept a sizable amount of Tampan’s this week as Hurricane Ian has still left thousands without electricity. “There’s just no way that God would let Freddie’s family have power and not mine.” Said Walter Winston, father of 18 in Pinellas County. “That guys a jackass, I’m a good…
Read MoreMarmaduke, Ba’al Marduk, and five easy ways to tell them apart!
Hello dear reader! I have the solution to a problem that no one has fixed yet: How can you tell (if you haven’t been listening that hard) whether someone is talking about the Babylonian god Ba’al Marduk or beloved dog cartoon Marmaduke? Fret not for the answer is here! 1. If the goddess Tiamat—god of…
Read MoreAngry God expected to rain out minor league baseball game
God, the revered, reviled, feared, ineffable, unpredictable and misunderstood supreme Christian deity, is very angry that the Tampa Tarpons have a female manager, according to a self-appointed human spokesperson. “The Almighty takes a dim view of this kind of abomination,” said Delores Shtiffy of Seffner, referring to Rachel Balkovec, the first female manager in the…
Read MoreChick-fil-A Rumspringa continues and concludes today
Today is the final day of a little-known rite of passage for Chik-fil-A employees: Chick-fil-A Rumspringa. “It’s rare when Christmas falls on a Saturday. This year is the first time it’s happened since 2010 and the next time will be in 2024. Since we’re closed that day as we are every Sunday, we allow our…
Read MoreTop 5 Fastest ways to Hell
Most religions describe a place you end up if you don’t live accordingly. That place is usually described as filled with pain and eternal suffering. While some think that place may be metaphorical, it’s up to the the individual to decide what they put their faith in. Today we’re going to countdown the 5 quickest…
Read MoreCreepy youth pastor lurking around Ybor confused with Matt Gaetz
A pastor for a new youth ministry cult east of Tampa has been spotted walking around Ybor City, and many people have mistakenly assumed he is Matt Gaetz, the U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district. “Matt Gaetz? Ha ha, no that’s not me. I’m Pastor Keith and I just want to hip the kids…
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