Langsley Newton of Deltona Lakes, Florida has discovered that after a diet of microwaved urine for two weeks, ze is no longer infected with the Covid-19 Coronavirus. Doctors attribute the desecration of the disease to the fact that Newton’s body was under extreme stress and panic which caused a mass exodus of toxins from zirs organs, releasing the virus from Newton completely.
“Newton was able to beat the virus, and it was in the most unhealthy way possible by depriving the body of all nutrition and cleansing it with the sanitary urine, however we would never recommend anyone do this, Newton almost died several times over the two weeks, and it may have ultimately done more harm to Newton’s body than good, but at this time we are not able to legally deny the claim that two weeks of microwaved urine can defeat the virus, so yes, it is true, Newton found a homemade cure.”
Newton plans to publish his newfound cure in international medical journals and not try to attain a copyright or patent for his cure because ze wants to, “Share love with the world!” According the the blog post Newton wrote on Zanga.
Nothing is planned to happen from this discovery, because this isn’t real and everybody knows that. Right? Did you know that? That we’re a fake satire news website? Because apparently a lot of people don’t because they still share our stories and tag them as real and contact us hoping we’ll share their tragic stories but we have to tell them, “we’re sorry, but clearly you’ve done no research, because we are comedians making joke stories when we’re bored.” And they go, “Oh, that’s dumb, I didn’t know that, you guys should still help me.” Then they get more upset when we choose not to alter our format to their whim and that just makes them furious.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the digital contact with strangers, but it’s just comical how often people do absolutely no background research on what they’re doing. Literally none. Can’t think about anyone but themselves. What about us? The stool pigeons cranking out hit after hit and nobody cares. Not one person. Shit, my boss is walking through my cubicle area I’ve gotta pretend I’m doing something important. “Hey boss! Oh me? Nothing over here? Just whacking off to my doctors notes! Ha ha ha. How was your weekend? Good? Nice! That’s awesome! Oops it looks like I left my voice to text command on and I’m still typing. What am I typing? Oh, nothing boss, just some really important thing you wanted me to do I promise! Not some stupid made up story about microwaved urine being the cure to the pandemic virus. Definitely not that. Wait speaking of virus, why are we still working from the office when we’ve been deemed ‘non-essential?’ Oh we were deemed essential? And I wrote that story? Of course I did! That’s why you’re the boss, you remember stuff like that! Ok, let me get back to that important thing I’m doing that you assigned me to do! Oh you want me to do that thing in your office you like so much again? The naked shakey dance? Can I not do that today? My knees hurt, I had to do it at my other job. You didn’t know I had another job? Ok, fine I’ll be in your office in 5 minutes with my best naked shakey dance pants on.”