COVID test numbers expected to plummet to record lows in Tampa this weekend
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is reporting that projections indicate that there will be zero positive COVID-19 test results from Tampa between now and the end of the Christmas weekend, which he is giddily touting as a Christmas Miracle.
“It’s a Christmas Miracle!”, he touted giddily at a hastily arranged press conference on Dale Mabry Highway, just north of Columbus Avenue, near Raymond James Stadium. “The numbers are undeniably trending down! Tampa is doing it, baby! And so am I! I am doing it!! I’m making miracles. Nobody can take this away from me!”
Dr. Allen Amberjack, head of testing in Hillsborough county, in an effort to take this away from DeSantis clarified, “Yes, we are closed this weekend, due to the holiday. Our healthcare professionals and support staff are being given the time off to celebrate responsibly with loved ones and relax a little before resuming their hard work Monday morning. So no tests means no positive test results. That will undoubtedly change when we re-open, and that’s why it’s important that our people take this opportunity to get some rest and relaxation between now and then.”
“Right! Zero!”, replied DeSantis. “Zero equals zero!”
“Well, there will be no data collected, processed or reported so it would be more descriptively accurate to label it a blank or incomplete than a zero”, said Dr. Amberjack.
“Oh? I see. And what, pray tell, would be the numeric value of a blank or an incomplete, alleged doctor man?”, asked DeSantis in an accusing and condescending manner.
“That would be zero”, Dr. Amberjack responded softly while staring down at his shoes.
“Ah HA! YES!!”, cried DeSantis triumphantly, before leaning over and hissing at Dr. Amberjack, “Don’t fuck with me on this, you test tube jockey. I went to Yale!”
“It’s like I’ve been telling you, all of you, since March, everything is going great here in Florida”, he said, turning to address the assembled media. “So get out there and spend that new stimulus money at all your local chain restaurants and big-box retailers! Thanks to me, Ronnie ‘The Christmas Miracle Man’ D!”