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Delta Alpha Beta Variant Emerges at USF Tampa

Frat Guys

“It came on so suddenly,” said Mike Penlip, a sophmore at USF in Tampa. “I had this overwhelming urge to binge the Joe Rogan Experience.”

Penlip was your average hardworking USF student. He was studying Accounting with a minor in Finance. All of his extracurricular activities were academic, and he took school very seriously. He never once partied during his two years at USF. In fact he’d only had alcohol once in his entire life, a sip of wine at his Bar Mitzvah in 2013.

That all changed one afternoon as Penlip was waiting in line at the campus cafeteria. A group of fraternity guys were playing hackey sack. The ball went a little too far, flying directly down Penlip’s nose, ripping off his mask with the momentum. The hackey sack landed directly into Penlip’s Tervis, which was opened temporarily, so he could fill it with water.

Penlip immediately pulled his mask back up and went to the bathroom to scrub out his Tervis. Unfortunately, it was too little too late. Shortly after the incident, Penlip caught the newest COVID Variant – Delta Alpha Beta (DAB for short).

Within just 10 days, Penlip amassed an entirely new wardrobe, consisting of 87 pairs of Sperries, and several Bonorroo shirts.

“He used to be so deep and interesting… now all he talks about is Bitcoin and vaping,” says Penlip’s long time girlfriend.

Dr. Anthony Fauci recently issued a public health statement warning about the new DAB Variant, sweeping Universities across the nation. “Yeah, uh… it basically turns you into a frat guy,” Fauci says.

Luckily, this variant seems to not be affecting those who are currently already in a fraternity. Also studies are showing that you may still have immunity if you were in a fraternity, and graduated within the last 10 years.

A vaccine is in the works, the major ingredients are PBR and Adderol.

Stay safe, folks.

Shellie H

About Shellie H

Shellie H is a Virgo Sun, Aries Moon, Libra rising, and exclusively drinks water out of up-cycled kombucha bottles.


  1. Avatar Pam on August 17, 2021 at 12:11 pm

    That is the funniest thing I have ever read!