DeSantis plans to travel back in time to prevent vaccinations
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is in Tampa today to attempt going back in time to prevent the invention and implementation of vaccines for polio, measles, smallpox and other conditions that have been virtually eradicated.
“I don’t know what it was like back then because obviously I don’t study or learn from history, recent or otherwise. But it had to be pretty bad, with special interest groups constantly trampling people’s freedoms. As bad as that is now, it had to be even worse when there were more things to be vaccinated against”, he said. “Although, the parts where nobody could criticize white people or legally get an abortion were probably pretty sweet.”
DeSantis has enlisted former Florida Governor and sometime political rival Senator Rick Scott in purchasing a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12 time machine.
“Time travel is expensive. Obviously not as expensive as going to space because we’ll be going backwards, when things were cheaper, but still pretty pricey”, DeSantis said. “I don’t need Bezos money to pull this off. More like somebody who pocketed $300 million in Medicare fraud.”
“Seems like a good cause and a reasonable price to me”, said Scott. “Especially since one of the conditions of the deal is he has to address me as ‘GREAT SCOTT!’ from now on.”
DeSantis sighed and muttered, “I keep trying to tell him that’s his line but whatever.”
The attempt will take place on the Gandy Bridge later today. DeSantis said, “Everybody knows you need to generate 1.21 gigawatts of power and the best place to get up to 88 miles-per-hour without anybody hassling you is right here on the Gandy.” He waved at a passing motorcyclist doing at least 95.
“The people who like me already think I’m a hero”, he said. “Can you imagine how I’ll be looked at if I can eliminate all these pesky, freedom-stifling inoculations and whatnot? Ultimately it’s a right-to-life issue; who speaks on behalf of the unborn viruses? Me, that’s who.”
“If this works, who knows? Maybe I’ll go back and get rid of other things that have made modern life unbearable. Like integrated schools and sports leagues, women voting, college and color television.”
