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Drake Kendrick Lamar sex tape leaks





In a deliciously juicy twist of events, after the long beef (no pun intended) rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar have appeared together in a sex tape where they make love to each other.

Fans are bewildered wondering why this happened and how the tape came to exist.

“I thought they didn’t like each other, but here I stand, witnessing with my two eyes, these two massively popular rappers, having gay sex together.” Said Sean Combs, also known as Puff Daddy, who’s currently under scrutiny himself for being a nightmare of a person.

The timing of the sex tape leaking is strange as it seemed as though the beef had been all but over, so for it to surface now is considered suspicious. 

And you may you saying to yourself, “Hey Mr. news reporter, I don’t believe this is even real, I want to see the sex tape for myself.” We have attached the sex tape below.

And you may be curious because I haven’t written an article for a while so you may have missed my signature, Gonzo-style of scripture, however I must confess my hands have been trapped under a large boulder for months and I have not been able to type anything.

I was skeet shooting outside of my granddaughters funeral, when I thought I saw a cryptid scurry off in the distance, by the mountain range, so I blasted a buck shot in it’s general direction, when I triggered an avalanche which left me buried up to my neck in rubble.

Thank God I’m a resilient person because I easily could have just called it quits and swallowed the cyanide pill I keep tucked in my cheek pocket which I carved with a straight razor blade during my prison days, but that thought never crossed my mind.

I sat there, trapped, no food, no water, just my genitals exposed to the wilderness for over 90 days. Eventually a family of toucans landed near me to feast on a rat carcass that was dropped by a larger, war bird.

I was able to signal to the toucans using a series of clicking noises that I was trapped under the rubble.

I studied toucan patterns as my minor in junior college.

The toucans were keen to my current state and flew off, I assumed to get help. 45 days later, just that, arrived, in the form of a sleek, gold and red, 2017 Chevy Tahoe with a lime green tractor pull.

I yelled and yelled for the guy in the car to pull me out of the rubble.

He guffawed and tested me, asking me a series of early 80’s football trivia, which I was able to get 10 out of 13 correctly, which was enough for him to bust me out of the pile, and get back to my granddaughters funeral.

Luckily I hadn’t missed my turn to speak yet, and I eloquently delivered a heartfelt eulogy about how great of a granddaughter I had and how she “did so much for the community.”

Anyways, I’ve been free for a few hours now, and I’m just getting the blood flowing back to my typing fingers, (amongst other things). 

The first story on my desk was about the Drake and Kendrick Lamar sex tape, so in reality it may have happened earlier than I’m reporting it, but cut me some slack, I was just trapped under rubble for 135 days if you did the math, and I’ve only picked up a family-sized lemon sponge cake on my way home, which turned out to be a terrible idea, because I definitely should have started with water or bread or something because my stomach is in absolute chaos right now. 

Happy to be back in the office, and look forward to working down this pile of assignments one by one. I feel really dizzy and I threw up blood on my laptop screen 5 or 6 times, but that’s not going to stop me for reporting for duty for the company I love.  

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds

1 Comments

  1. Avatar Caroline Cunningham. on June 22, 2024 at 2:20 pm

    Excellent article! More from John Jacobs!

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