Tampa News Force Headquarters – Hillsborough County – Tuesday 4.23.2019
Archeologists have discovered ancient scrolls at the Jackson House site in Downtown Tampa which described the coming of a rich businessman who will lead the city by the Bay to claim the title of the the next ‘Great City in America’ .
“I’m not one to believe in some mythical mumbo jumbo trash; we discover weird things in these old houses all the time,” said Tampa City Government Archaeologist, Bullet Mathis. “My church I go to is mostly a cult trying to bring back the ghost of Curtis Hixon, and we thought he would be able to guide this city on the right path.”
Mathis pulled out the ancient scroll he found, slammed it on my kitchen table and spread it open like he was serving a thanksgiving meal. I had asked him to meet me in my home.
“A long time ago, city leaders formed a blood pact with Satan himself to grant them one wish,” Mathis continued at an erratic pace like a child who had drank espresso for the first time. “All the pieces are aligned and David Straz purchasing this very news organization was the final piece to this apocalyptic puzzle.”
Mathis pulled out a switchblade, “If I don’t kill you now and stop this transaction, we will all be doomed.”
Mathis then lunges at me in an attempt to take my life, but I was able to parkour spin kick him in the face, disarm him of his switchblade and hold him down until the police arrived.
“You don’t know what kind of madness you are unleashing on this world, please you don’t have to do this!” Those were the last words I heard him say before the police shoved him in the back of the paddy wagon and took him away.
Election Day is today and David Straz is projected to win by a landslide.