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Florida’s Amendment 4 Gives Felons Who Served Their Time the Right to Go Fuck Themselves

Eff off, Felons!

Governor Ron DeSantis held a press conference today hoping to set the record straight on the intent of Amendment 4 that was passed in 2018.

DeSantis dismissed concerns that he did everything in his power to stop the will of the people of Florida who overwhelmingly voted to give felons who served their time in prison their right to vote.

“If you broke one of the laws in this state, and we found you guilty of a felony, and then you served your time and are free now, I’ve got two words for you,” said Governor DeSantis, who then stepped away from his press conference podium to grab his nuts and stick his tongue out at the camera.

DeSantis then composed himself and returned to the podium to finish his speech.

“First we said y’all had to pay court fines, and then we said it was unconstitutional or some shit,” DeSantis paused to chug a White Claw and continued his speech. “What we really meant was that everyone who voted for this thing was wrong, we don’t agree with it, and it is ultimately my decision on the outcome of amendments because I’m not the bisexual meth addict that was almost elected governor.”

DeSantis then brought up his entire family on stage with him.

“You see these kids up here with me and my smoking hot wife?” DeSantis asked rhetorically to the group of journalists who were not wearing mask or adhering to social distancing guidelines.

“I banged my wife to make these kids,” said DeSantis before continuing, “If you let felons who serve their time in prison vote in this State, you might as well be asking me to suck dick for meth money.”

DeSantis then aggressively kissed his wife in an exaggerated manner. 

“If we let felons vote in this State, then we would be allowing Democrats to replace paying taxes with dick sucking,” said DeSantis in a very serious tone. “Sure we would be taking home more money, but we will also have to suck dicks as an alternative to paying taxes, and I don’t want my kids to grow up in that type of Florida.”

DeSantis refused questions from journalist who were wondering what exactly he meant by those comments.

“What I’m trying to say is we are going to continue incarcerating black people for crimes that shouldn’t be felonies because we don’t want black people to vote in this state,” said DeSantis before abruptly ending the conference and telling everyone to go fuck themselves.