Hurricane Tips for New Tampa Residents

Tampa Bay has experienced record growth in both population and cost of living this year. In light of that, here are some wonderful tips for the newcomers and carpetbaggers occupying Free Tampa.

1. Do Not Evacuate. If you do evacuate, Hurricane Santa won’t bring you any guns.
   
2. It’s just wind. Take a brisk stroll outside, or better yet, go swimming.
   
3. Only during an active hurricane warning are the really cool fish hungry. Get in a boat and raise up your metal fishing pole toward the thundery clouds if you want a cool and impressive fish.
   
4. Do not get supplies. The last thing you want is to look gay in Wal-mart for buying batteries.
   
5. You are wind-proof. You are god. You cannot be killed with wind. Have fun!
   
6. If you are a man, you are qualified to lift heavy logs out of your yard. Try some new stuff with ladders. Experiment. You’re not gonna be using your legs while you sit out a hurricane; therefore after a hurricane, it’s important to lift almost entirely with your back.
   
7. The ‘Eye’ of a hurricane is a myth. If it’s finally nice outside, you can totally just go for a walk.
   
8. During a hurricane, conversations with strangers will be incredibly easy to broach due to our collective uncertainty about the unstoppable and godlike storm. Use this opportunity to tell people how you and your family relate to the city of New York. We would all really like to hear about that. That’s the city from TV!