Local man has lost track of time

Bret Rerse of Oldsmar has lost track of all time since self-quarantining himself to stay safe from the Covid-19 pandemic.

“Time has no meaning for me. It’s been so long that I’ve just forgotten, I guess,” says Rerse, who’s been home from work since last Friday. “Is it the weekend? Is it a Wednesday? Is it Christmas?? I don’t know!”

Rerse said at first, he tried crude measures to track the time. “I was making those scratch marks on the wall, like you see in prison movies. But I forgot if I was supposed to be marking them at the beginning of the hour or the end and I think I might have marked some of the same hours more than once.”

Rerse’s wife Jilll said, “I didn’t understand why he needed to keep track of hours, not days anyway. I also didn’t understand why he needed to use a Sharpie instead of something that would wash off easily eventually and he said, ‘Shut up bitch; I’m the Omega Man!’ Well, I don’t have to tolerate that, pandemic or not. So he’s just been in there by himself since yesterday.”

I asked him why he didn’t just check the watch he was wearing and he said, “I’m conserving energy”, as he snuck a quick glance at it.