Local author and activist Pierce Mongley wants everyone to know the joy that firearms can bring. Mongley is quick to say unsolicitedly that his penis is normal in every way and that his love of guns is more about being a man and silencing the voices in his head that are exclusively women, women with very unfounded accusations.
He insists to the writer that when he picks up a gun the voices stop. “When I pick up a gun I make sure I don’t knock it out of my hand with my totally contiguous and some say perfectly assembled penis. Once I grip that cool and heavy steel all of the women saying all of those lies stop talking. No more ‘cole slaw dick, that all you got?’ Gone is the ‘hey, car wash cock, go pick up the kids from school’. The voices stop and I can finally think clearly.”
I asked him why he thinks guns have that calming effect on him. He looked at me for a long time. Like five minutes. I actually got up and went to the bathroom. When I got back about a minute later he finally answered me.
“You see, when I have that gun in my hand I don’t need anyone.”
I suggested that a joint or a marathon could have the same benefit? He swore he tried it all but that the voices were still there.
“You can’t protect yourself with a joint or fast running. But a gun can keep someone from cutting off your normal shaped and average smelling penis. No thanks. I’ll stick with no more head voices and my penis not hacked off maniacally.”
After talking to Pierce Mongley’s primary physician under condition of ‘shit is mad weird’, I realized where all this love of guns was coming from. It seems Mongley has a penis that looks like a wad of Big League Chew but like meaty spaghetti and the voices in his head were his wife just talking to him via blue tooth.
I learned a lot on this story but more importantly I made a friend. Pierce Mongley’s wife is a real spitfire!