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Make America Straight Again Rally To Be Held In Tampa, Unless It’s Actually Being Held Somewhere Else

Make America Straight Rally in Tampa being held somewhere

Plant City – Hillsborough County – Friday, 6.14.19

Reverend Patrick Boyle of Clermont’s Revival Baptist Church has kind of announced that today’s “Make America Straight Again” rally will be held at Tampa’s Curtis Hixon Park, unless that isn’t true. 

“We have to keep things on the down low, on account of sodomite protesters who might show up and disrupt everything,” said Boyle. “But there’s a chance we could have it in Tampa because our fact-finding has indicated there are no gays there.”

When asked how that intelligence was gathered, Boyle said, “The good Reverend Steven Anderson, along with me and Roger Jimenez visited all the local glory holes, even the ones that aren’t even listed on all the good cruising web sites, and not one man we had sex with was gay.” Asked how he knew that to be the case, he just winked at me.

Rev. Anderson elaborated, “You can always tell when a man is gay because they close their eyes when you kiss them.”

Jimenez added, “And their penises taste like poop.”

Regardless of where the rally is eventually held, Boyle says keeping the location a secret until the last possible moment is essential for safety.

“Even though we are speaking on behalf of God His Own Self regarding these filthy reprobates and the dangers their lifestyle choices present to decent people, and that what we are doing is just and righteous and therefore endorsed by Our Almighty Lord, I’m still worried,” said Boyle while receiving a back rub from his fellow Reverends, “He might not show up to protect us from getting the crap kicked out of us.”

“We have absolute faith, but we’re not idiots,” Rev. Anderson chimed in as he fondled Jimenez, causing him to coo like a happy little dove.

“The police won’t protect us,” says Boyle, citing the fact that the Lake County Sheriff’s Office denied the group’s request to hire off-duty deputies for security. “I guess that means the gays have infiltrated our law enforcement institutions and now we can no longer rely on the cops to hold us in their big strong arms and make us feel safe,” he lamented.

“Especially the ones who ride motorcycles with their mustaches and leather jackets and turgid billy clubs and ass-less chaps and they’re named Ramon and they have an adorable Puerto Rican accent that really flares up when he’s angry with you which is kinda scary but also cute and ultimately very exciting and you thought the two of you had something special until he cheated on you with that DJ,” Rev. Anderson continued while assuming the middle position in the human centipede between Boyle and Jimenez, “Especially those particular cops.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54