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Man turns Jewish after drinking from Hillsborough River

New Jew

Tinsley Jordan, a Wisconsin man who was visiting Tampa on vacation by himself, has reportedly turned Jewish after drinking water from the Hillsborough River.

The river, which is not supposed to be consumed by humans due to pollution, has no previous history of changing anyones race or religion, however, it is documented on a security camera, that once Jordan drank from the river, his hair grew long curly locks and a Yarmulke appeared on his head.

“Oy Vey!” Exclaimed Jordan, a once burley cowboy from Wisconsin.

“I schlepped down to Tampa to enjoy the sun, and I got parched, so I drank from the river, and now I’m Jewish!” Jordan said, shaking his arms to the air in minor frustration.

Nobody knows why or how this phenomena took place but an official investigation has begun by the Tampa Water Monitors.

I’m sorry this story is just so f**king stupid it’s making me angry. I had nothing else to do tonight so I turned to writing. I have a video I want to edit, but when I tried to import the files into the editing software, the hard drive filled up and I wasn’t able to edit. It’s annoying. I would have to move a whole bunch of other stuff from the first hard drive to a second hard drive but I just don’t want to go through all that effort right now. I don’t even really want to edit the video in the first place the quality isn’t perfect so I’m bothered by it and at this point everything I do seems futile and I’m losing hope that anything more will ever come of my life other than posting small things here and there that get tepid responses, or big projects that get little-to-no response. I love the stuff I make but it feels like the world has rejected me at every turn. I’m starting to not believe in myself. I think my thoughts are genius and the stuff I make is great but it just doesn’t feel like the world agrees with me. Some people do. But I’m losing hope that I’ll ever be some sort of global sensation. I really believed I could be at one point. There’s still moments where I do believe it, but for the most part I just don’t really anymore. It changes every day. And nothing ever comes from these articles. I guess we make a few cents per article so the more over the years, the more it’ll accumulate but still, what the hell am I doing this for? Who is this for? Is it all just for me? Am I making anyone happy with any of this? Should I stop? What would I do if I did stop? I have no skills, I don’t want to be around people, I don’t really want to do much of anything. But I don’t feel depressed. I enjoy sitting in silence by myself in my house. That’s usually fine. And people think that’s strange to feel content doing nothing in silence, but I think it’s nice. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. What’s the point? My screen is shaking because I refuse to start a new paragraph, but I’m just fighting through the shake. It’s a glitch in the notes program for some reason the screen shakes if you continue one paragraph for too long, and I’m still doing it anyway. I don’t care. I’m fighting through the shake.

And maybe that’s what life is about. Fighting through the shake. Not giving up despite every reason to do so. Searching for purpose despite any real hope. Many days I feel hopeless towards everything, but I move on and I forget those feelings because there’s no other real option. Nobody can feel what I feel, despite my best descriptions of my mental state, and nobody can relate to the feeling. I feel like I’m on an island. A prison on a beautiful island. So it’s like I can’t really complain because it’s beautiful and my basic needs are met, but beyond that it’s mostly a numbness. But again, I’m not sad. I don’t feel sad. I feel fine. I feel physically weak, and sick a lot of the time, I’ve felt that since having covid like 2 years ago. I never felt 100% again after having covid. I feel like I’ve been on 60% for 2 years now. I worry I’ll never feel strong and clear again. But it’s ok. Because I’m doing all that I can and living as healthy as I can so I can rest knowing that I can’t do more. And people will tell me I can do more, but people don’t know my existence. Just what the see. They can never be inside of my head. And that’s fine.

The screen shook so I had to start a new paragraph. 


John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds