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Mayor Castor Cancels All 4th of July Activities





In response to former Tampa Bay Lightning captain Steven Stamkos signing a four-year contract with the Nashville Predators, Tampa mayor Jane Castor has announced the suspension of all Independence Day celebrations.

“We as a community have suffered a loss from which we will never recover,” she said in a press conference at City Hall late last night. “So there will be no barbecues, no fireworks, no rock concerts. Instead, I expect every Tampa citizen to spend the time thinking quietly about how they didn’t love him enough to make him stay here until he decides to retire in 15 years.”

“It’s not going to be ‘Boom by the Bay’ this year, it’s going to be ‘Ruminate in Darkened Silence’,” she said. “It’s at this point that you might expect the leader of a major metropolitan city to say something about how we’ll move on and come back stronger than ever because our resolve is so strong but the fact of the matter is, we won’t. We’re so screwed.”

“This is crazy,” said Tampa’s Ricky Doodair, revealing a #91 tattoo on his left bicep. “What’s all this supposed to solve? I couldn’t possibly be sadder that he’s leaving. He’s always been my favorite player.”

“THEN WHY ISN’T HE HERE??” snapped Castor. “STAMMER IS GOOOONE!!”

“I agree with that last fan,” said Stephanie Wordzer, also of Tampa. “It’s a really, really terrible situation but It was a business decision. It wasn’t personal. It’s nobody’s fault… except maybe (Lightning General Manager) Julien BriseBois.”

Castor then ordered both of those people to be placed in stocks at Curtis Hixon Park for the sake of corporal punishment and public humiliation for 36 hours. 

“People can go down there and taunt those two and throw rotten fruit at them if they want,” said Castor. “But nothing else fun.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. ClarkBrooks.com. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54

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