Tampa News Force
Rays decide to wrap up ‘23 season
Following a 4-0 win over the Detroit Tigers to open the 2023 Major League Baseball season, the Tampa Bay Rays have decided that they’re done for the year. “We had great pitching and defense, obviously. I mean, we shut them out,” said Rays manager Kevin Cash. “Plus, timely hitting with power. You really can’t ask…
Top Headlines
Breaking News
These 3 numbers could change your life
No, I’ve got nothing sorry. I couldn’t even pretend to come up with one for this one. I just like when headlines say stupid shit…
How to $tick it to Tampa News Force
In an obvious effort to curry favor with poor, put-upon, tough-as-nails-yet-apparently-thin-skinned Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Florida Senator Jason Brodeur (R-Lake Mary) has introduced “Senate Bill…
Clearwater man “accidentally” forgets to zip pants for 25th time this year
Gary Phrenger, an associate at Robust Paradigms Inc. in Clearwater has now somehow “forgotten” to zip up his pants after using the restroom at work 25 times since 2023 began. “Aw, come on, Gary,” said co-worker Dennis Flavors, observing the special occasion. “Again, man? Again??” “Huh?” responded Phrenger looking down at his crotch. “Ha ha!…
Sports
MLB installs Bitch Clock at Tropicana Field
Major League Baseball (MLB) is implementing a number of changes for the 2023 season, including rule changes, larger bases and a clock that will limit…
DeSantis DeNounces ‘Woke Baseball Classic’, Declares USA Winner
Last night in Miami, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis issued a proclamation honoring the team representing the United States in the recently completed World Baseball Classic…
Rays decide to wrap up ‘23 season
Following a 4-0 win over the Detroit Tigers to open the 2023 Major League Baseball season, the Tampa Bay Rays have decided that they’re done for the year. “We had great pitching and defense, obviously. I mean, we shut them out,” said Rays manager Kevin Cash. “Plus, timely hitting with power. You really can’t ask…
Arts and Entertainment
Tampa teenager wishes he had been old enough to bully Prince
Chamberlain High School senior Corey Chuggler is looking back on his lengthy bullying career with few regrets but with one notable exception. “I wish I’d…
Will AI replace or enhance imagination?
Everyone’s pussy’s have been squirting over the new AI art programs. “Are computers going to replace us? Will they take our jobs? Are they more…
19 sentences guaranteed to make you smile
By analyzing keyword hotspots and human endorphin burst-science, we’re able to bring you a carefully curated collection of sentences that are guaranteed to brighten your day and put a smile on your face: “The dog and cat gave birth to kittens and puppies at the bisexual, interracial, transcendental meditation ceremony.” “You won the lottery and…
Government
Tampa News Force 2023 Guide to Tampa’s Municipal Election
Tuesday, March 7, 2023 is Tampa’s Municipal Election. This election will secure jobs for City Council members and the Mayor, as well as provide residents…
DeSantis has new favorite comic strip
Florida governor Ron DeSantis recently discovered the syndicated comic strip ‘Dilbert’, and it has immediately become his favorite. “It’s just so funny! Look at him,…
Mayor Castor Vows to Accomplish Nothing for Four More Years
Tampa’s Mayor celebrated her upcoming victory in the 2023 municipal elections during a dinner this weekend where she touted her lack of accomplishments to a crowd of supporters. “For the last four years, Tampa has become more expensive, crowded and impossible to get around,” said Mayor Castor to the three people in attendance. “I just…
Local and Community
Trans ableist micro aggression triggers Taylor Swift fans
Swifties are up in arms after a Trans woman committed an ableist micro aggression in the comment section of Taylor Swifts newest music video “Cum…
Tampa woman claims to “hate” Girl Scout cookies
A woman in Tampa has taken an extremely rare and unpopular stance on one of America’s most beloved traditional institutions: Girl Scout Cookies. “I hate…
Nearly 3 million Tampa Bay Residents will do Nothing in Particular Tomorrow
Tomorrow, March 31, is International Trans Day of Visibility and very few people in Tampa Bay have plans to observe the occasion. While local Trans residents plan to march for increasingly limited rights, most residents will be having board game nights or going to Karaoke or doing cocaine in the bathroom of a bar you…
Plant City – Tampa – Monday, 2.11.2019 After a long brutal winter that decimated much of his yield in 2017, Plant City farmer Phillip Retchers vowed to make it up by planting the largest strawberry harvest he could. “I had to do everything I could to make up that loss,” says Retchers. “It wasn’t until a…
City Hall – Tampa – Monday, 2.11.2019 In a bizarre twist of events, local city council members have unanimously voted to erect a Bob Evans statue in Lykes Gaslight Park in Downtown Tampa. “They were all yelling, then at one point they got quiet, then some weird laughing, and then now there’s a bill to…
Land O’Lakes – Pasco County – Sunday, 2.10.2019 In a horrific turn of events, the scheduled bout between man and beast at the Land O’Lakes Colosseum ended in tragedy after a botched pyrotechnic spot resulted in the death of Ronny “The Gator Grappler” Davis. The Colosseum Wrestling Extravaganza (CWE) main event featured Davis defending his championship…
Bong City – Tampa – Saturday, 2.9.2019 The world’s largest glass water-pipe, or better known “bong”, was destroyed in Tampa, while it was mishandled during a public displaying at a local glass shop. “We were just admiring the crystals and the chambers when all of a sudden we heard a loud crash and the bottom…
Downtown Tampa – Tampa – Thursday, 2.7.2019 The biggest Broadway musical in recent history is coming to Tampa, and for those not lucky enough to score full price or lottery tickets, there is still a chance to attend. Straz Center confirmed today that they have hidden an envelope containing two decent seats to Hamilton’s opening night…
Mons Venus – Tampa – Thursday, 2.7.2019 What some are calling “a miracle” took place last weekend when a portrait of the Virgin Mary presented itself in the form of a stripper’s asshole at the Mons Venus on Dale Mabry. “I was putting my money on the counter, nothing big, just ones to try and…
University of South Florida – Tampa – Wednesday, 2.6.2019 University of South Florida (USF) announced new expansion plans which will add the floundering 100-acre University Mall to its campus. “We saw this as the next logical step to create a complete learning and living experience for our students,” says USF Community Development President, Richardo Gimineez.…
City Hall – Homosassa – Wednesday, 2.6.2019 After a 5-4 vote between local legislators, the town of Homosassa, FL, will now officially be called “HomoSassy” and cater to only gay and black residents, exclusively. “It felt like a natural fit,” said county Urologist Nelson Mandelay. “The name is so close to homo-sassy, and I mean…
Update Saturday, 2.9.19 As of today, donations have begun pouring in to Shutdown Tampa News Force, it’s only a matter of time before supporters gather the necessary donations to purchase our publication and shut us down. Don’t let Shutdown Tampa News Force win! Help us stop the shutdown of Tampa News Force by donating today to our…
Tampa, FLA – Tuesday February 5, 2019 Tampa News Force was featured on the homepage of the Tampa Bay Times. Read the full story from Tampa Bay Times Features Writer, Christopher Spata on tampabaytimes.com. See our history with the Tampa Bay Times below: