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Tampa News Force

Help Brady

How to help Tom Brady

By John Jacobs | June 30, 2022

To ensure Tom Brady has the best opportunity to win a Super Bowl again in Tampa, follow these tips to help him live the most productive and comfortable life possible. Do not drive on the road between 4-9 AM Tom likes early morning workouts, and to guarantee he doesn’t have to deal with any traffic,…

Breaking News

Kavanaugh Fleshlight

Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh stops cleaning out fleshlight

Through the Freedom of Information act, a schedule of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanugh’s recent visits to the urologist have been released. The nature of…

FLOTUS loves TNF

First Lady coming to Florida!

A while back last year, First Lady Jill Biden (FLOTUS for short) and Dr. Anthony Fauci visited Tampa and we submitted a request for press…

ScottBat

Rick Scott Touts New Abortion Alternative

By Josh Santos | June 25, 2022

“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters.  “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions. “If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.”  Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number.…

Sports

Garrison Channel fish is sad that Lightning won’t three-peat

A fish that lives in Garrison Channel behind Amalie Arena is very disappointed to learn that the Tampa Bay Lightning lost 2-1 to the Colorado…

Lightning at the airport

Lightning head to Colorado early to acclimate to high altitude

The Tampa Bay Lightning left for Denver yesterday, two days early in order to adjust to the higher altitude prior to Game 5 of the…

Help Brady

How to help Tom Brady

By John Jacobs | June 30, 2022

To ensure Tom Brady has the best opportunity to win a Super Bowl again in Tampa, follow these tips to help him live the most productive and comfortable life possible. Do not drive on the road between 4-9 AM Tom likes early morning workouts, and to guarantee he doesn’t have to deal with any traffic,…

Arts and Entertainment

Nazi Yoga

Nazi Yoga ends in fist fight

The first night of Nazi Yoga at Zeitgeist Brewing in Brandon ended shortly after it began when a group of people showed up and began…

Shootings Odds

Casinos start betting on school shootings

Casinos across the country have started accepting wagers on when and where school shootings will take place. Depending on how close to the time and…

Cowell Pigs

Simon Cowell judges Strawberry Festival pig race

By John Jacobs | June 24, 2022

America’s Got Talent judge, Simon Cowell, guest judged a Strawberry Festival pig race this year, leaving audiences thoroughly entertained. His appearance came as a surprise as it was not announced on the schedule, he just happened to be visiting the festival with his daughter and decided to lend his services to the pig race that…

Government

DeSantis not sure what to do about Juneteenth

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is experiencing anxiety in anticipation of the upcoming Juneteenth holiday, which takes place on June 19th and commemorates the anniversary date…

13th Amendment

Supreme Court plans to overturn 13th amendment

A leaked document has revealed that the Supreme Court justices plan on voting to overturn the 13th amendment and legalize slavery in America once again.…

DeSantis Threat

Man terrified to wear mask at DeSantis press conference

By Clark Brooks | June 20, 2022

At a press conference earlier today in Nassau County where Florida Governor Ron DeSantis spoke about his ongoing plans for infrastructure improvements around the state, one man in attendance felt unsafe wearing a face mask. “I wanted to put it on, just to be careful because it was fairly crowded in there. I figured, ‘what’s…

Local and Community

Time

Tampa prostitute wins TIME’s Person of the Year

A Tampa prostitute named Merth has won TIME magazine’s Person of the Year title, after a unique story which has led to Tampa becoming one…

Amber Heard Coyote

Amber Heard Coyote Craps All Over Tampa

Morning after morning, local resident Ms. Cam Ille is finding her Seminole Heights home littered like a dump, as in actual crap. The tight-nitch neighborhood…

Can't turn gay

Family can’t get into Tampa Bay Area drag shows

By Clark Brooks | June 16, 2022

A family from Brandon is very upset that they’re not being allowed to attend the raunchiest, late night drag shows in the Tampa Bay Area. “This has got to be a violation of our rights or something,” said Mike Turd, the family’s patriarch. “Yes, that’s correct; our last name is Turd, which is totally a…

High Speed Rail

Florida’s High-Speed Rail Project Actually Just Another Express Lane

By Josh Santos | June 9, 2022

After receiving multimillion-dollar grant to help build a high-speed rail to connect Miami to Orlando and Tampa, the Florida Department of Transportation has changed the wording on its project scope. “Instead of a train, people will use their own personal vehicles, and instead of a rail we will have another lane that people will have…

Goal Horn

Lightning goal horn sounds prematurely again

By Clark Brooks | June 8, 2022

At last night’s NHL Eastern Conference Final game between the Tampa Bay Lightning and New York Rangers, which the Lightning won 4-1 to even the best-of-seven series at two games apiece, the goal horn went off after a shot from Lightning defenseman Jan Ruuta went wide of the net at the 14:50 mark of the…

13th Amendment

Supreme Court plans to overturn 13th amendment

By John Jacobs | June 8, 2022

A leaked document has revealed that the Supreme Court justices plan on voting to overturn the 13th amendment and legalize slavery in America once again. The leak comes shortly after the previous explosive leak, claiming the justices would soon be overturning Roe v Wade, criminalizing abortion. “I can’t believe it, but I can.” Said Ted…

New Stamp

First Lady Jill Biden and U.S. Postal Service Unveil New Stamp Honoring Tampa News Force

By Clark Brooks | June 7, 2022

On Monday, June 6, 2022, at 11:00 AM, First Lady Jill Biden hosted an unveiling of a new U.S. Postal Service (USPS) stamp honoring former First Lady Nancy Reagan Tampa News Force at the White House. The First Lady was joined by U.S. Postal Service employee Lonnie Brutche. The stamp depicts Tampa News Force founders…

Rangers Fan

Rangers fan wants to know where all the stuff they have in New York is

By Clark Brooks | June 6, 2022

Lonnie Keith, who lives in Brooklyn, is in Tampa to watch the Eastern Conference Final between the New York Rangers and the Tampa Bay Lightning and can’t seem to find any of the things he can find in abundance in New York. “Yo, where’s the subway? You’ze don’t got no public transportation over here?” he…

Tyrant

DeSantis unlocks another achievement on way to Tyrant Master Badge

By Clark Brooks | June 5, 2022

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis took another huge step forward in his quest to earn the somewhat coveted Tyrant Master Badge by threatening the Special Olympics with $27 million in fines for 5,500 violations of state law for requiring proof of coronavirus vaccination for attendees or participants. The Special Olympics dropped the restriction and released a…

Amber Heard Coyote

Amber Heard Coyote Craps All Over Tampa

By Darcy Greco | June 5, 2022

Morning after morning, local resident Ms. Cam Ille is finding her Seminole Heights home littered like a dump, as in actual crap. The tight-nitch neighborhood is no stranger to walkers and friendly neighborhood dogs, that politely clean up their poo when the urge hits. But this hasn’t been the case lately. On repeat Ms. Ille,…

Ted Poker

Ted Cruz to host poker night at Seminole Hard Rock Casino

By Clark Brooks | June 4, 2022

U.S. Senator Ted Cruz announced yesterday that he will be hosting a high-stakes poker night at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Tampa next month. “That’s right, it’s Ted’s Ridiculous Fun Poker Extravaganza and it is coming to Florida on July 4th!” he said. “What could be a more perfectly appropriate way to celebrate the…

BOTB22

NOMINATE US!

By TNF | June 3, 2022

The nominations for the 2022 Best of the Bay Awards, presented by Creative Loafing, are now open! Let’s just skip all the bullshit: We want an award and the only way we will get one is to first, get nominated and then second, get voted for. We’ll bug you about the second part later, but…

Baby Gun

Babies will be given guns at birth

By John Jacobs | June 3, 2022

In an effort to end mass shootings, all babies born from now on will be given guns immediately at birth in an attempt to breed an evolution of humans with guns built directly into their bodies. “By familiarizing newborns with guns, we’re hoping to ultimately have a race of humans born with guns already in…