NFL planning virtual superspreader event for fans
As the NFL prepares for Super Bowl LV here in Tampa on February 7th, the league’s signature fan event, plans are being made to provide a wide variety of entertainment for fans.
The Super Bowl Experience, the NFL and Host Committee’s joint interactive football theme park, opens Friday, January 29 and runs through Saturday, February 6 at the various parks along the Tampa Riverwalk.
One of the biggest events will be the Superspreader Bowl, which will consist of packing as many people as possible into one massive tent where they will just kind of mill around and breathe on one another.
“Well, well, well. Look at the NFL, disregarding basic safety protocols in pursuit of the almighty dollar. What a huge surprise”, said Roberta Fernswood of Dunedin. “Bunch of greedy bastards. I don’t know how they’ll sleep at night when hundreds of people die as a direct result of this.”
Added Robert Woodfern of Temple Terrace, “You can bet none of those idiots will be wearing masks. Anything for a buck in FloriDUH!”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, “We recognize that not everybody is a diehard fan of the greatest league in the world playing the greatest sport ever invented, and that’s okay. We want those folks to have a good time too. This is a celebration and all are welcome! That’s why this particular event is virtual, so people whose only source of joy comes from bitching about stuff can participate in an activity specially designed just for them to do exactly the one thing that makes them happy: being unhappy!”
So there won’t be any actual people attending that event, I asked him. “Oh heavens no! How irresponsible would that be? People are dying out there! No, this is going to be all CGI avatars,” he said. “If you look closely, you’ll notice some NFL Hall of Famers, rappers, movie stars and other celebrities in the ‘crowd’. Not only that but we aren’t even putting up an actual tent for it. Why waste the space doing that? Don’t tell anyone but the whole thing will take place on an island I created in Animal Crossing.”
Those outraged by the NFL hosting the event at all aren’t concerned about details like that, which is a surprise to exactly nobody.
“I haven’t supported the NFL or any professional sports since they started disrespecting the flag”, said Conrad Bleening of St. Petersburg. “But you better believe I’m going to visit this abomination on a daily basis so I can let them have it on social media!”
In the background, Goodell silently mouthed the words, “you’re welcome”, pretended to make an invisible chalk mark with his finger and winked.