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Ron DeSantis can’t find a therapist

Ron and the empty chair

Florida Governor and adult toddler, Ron DeSantis, feels as hopeless as ever. His longtime pal, Rush Limbaugh, died of cancer. DeSantis ordered Florida’s flags to be lowered in honor of the conservative radio host. However, Florida Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried, St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman and the Palm Beach County Commission all ignored his order. DeSantis is now seeking a therapist who can help him navigate the feeling that everybody hates him.

As it turns out, most Florida-based therapists are familiar with DeSantis’ work.

DeSantis visited therapists all over the Tallahassee area. Kara Zola, a psychiatrist in the area said, “He walked into my office and I told him to turn around. My daughter is thirty and she’s been on unemployment for a year. She sits on a beanbag chair all day and eats bagel bites that I bought. She has a Master’s degree. I can’t even express to you how broken every single program in Florida is. Ronald McSantis has done nothing to fix anything.”

No one in Hillsborough County would see DeSantis except for child therapists.

DeSantis is considering finding a therapist in Puerto Rico, but isn’t “sure if the language barrier will be a turn off.”

When contacted for a statement on the governor’s mental health, his office released this: “Eat your mom’s ass and let me cry in the comfort of a Winn Dixie parking lot by myself, okay???”

Taylor Cuzino

About Taylor Cuzino

Taylor Cuzino is a comedic writer whose dream in life is to write for sitcoms. She has stupid tattoos and loves bulldogs. In her free time, you can catch her sleeping and shopping at Target.