This past week, Florida governor, Ron DeSantis announced an executive order allowing restaurants and bars to return to 100% capacity. All businesses previously closed due to the pandemic are permitted to reopen.
As of the publishing of this article, over 14,000 Floridians have died of COVID-19. Additionally, in the last seven days, almost 16,000 people in the state have tested positive for the virus.
According to our researchers, DeSantis’ IQ is 68, which is far below the 100 point average. The researchers found that a 110-pound bag of 110 rocks, which is about half of DeSantis’ body weight, has an IQ of 110. That comes out to an average of one IQ point per rock. Rocks require at least one IQ point simply to exist. We interviewed the bag of rocks, which designated one rock, Iggy Neous, as its’ spokesrock. Neous said, with a British accent, “Indubitably, we question the soundness of the governor’s decision to enter phase three. Wethinks the bloke is out of his knickers.” Another rock, Sandy Stone, also of English origin, chimed in, “Hear ye, hear ye, Ron DeSantis doth not outscore us on the SATs.”
The bag of rocks took an SAT practice test to prove their claim. They did in fact score higher than DeSantis on all three sections: math, evidence-based reading, and writing. Unfortunately, after taking the test in a confined room with an unmasked proctor, all of the rocks contracted the virus.
They are currently sharing a ventilator at Tampa General Hospital. We reached out to DeSantis’ office for comment; they said, “Fake news. Governor DeSantis is as smart as President Trump. We will not pray for the rocks, as they are not human.”