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Ron DeSantis werks the phones at the unemployment hotline

Werking the phones

Florida’s unemployment office has been a shit show for the last eight months, and even before that too. Yesterday’s wait time to speak to an associate was a minimum of two hours.

When our investigative team called the hotline to see what was going on at the Department of Economic Opportunity, a familiar voice answered. One and a half Joe Rogan podcasts later, our team was relieved to speak to someone.

On the other end of the line, a sultry, exaggerated southern accent said, “Hey, baby. This is Ronny D. speaking. You know what the D stands for. What are you wearing?”

In the background Joe Rogan yelled about elk meat and psychedelics. The team turned off the volume and got down to business, responding, “Uhhh, khakis? Does the D stand for DeSantis or Ding-a-ling? What are you doing answering the phones? Don’t you have some life ruining that needs to be done? What’s going on at DEO?”

Ron answered, “Wow, Papa Angry, you got a lotta questions there. I charge $7.25 a minute. That’s minimum wage in this state and I stand behind it. I take Visa and American Express. Also, turtle meat is far superior to elk. Mmmmm.” He took a big slobbery lick of his lips.

The team paid the fee to get some information. It turns out that Governor DeSantis has been using the unemployment hotline as his own personal phone sex playground for years. The man has connections, yet, no idea why Florida’s unemployment system is in such a state of disarray. They learned that he was wearing a pink feather boa and a classic red lip. That’s it. He asked if we wanted to do hand stuff with him next time we were in Tallahassee.

Appalled at Ronny D’s behavior, the team asked to speak to a supervisor. Ron’s voice went from seductive to serious, “I’m connecting you now. It could take a minute. Have a blessed day,” and hung up.  

TNF is now in debt from the phone call. Please buy a t-shirt.

Taylor Cuzino

About Taylor Cuzino

Taylor Cuzino is a comedic writer whose dream in life is to write for sitcoms. She has stupid tattoos and loves bulldogs. In her free time, you can catch her sleeping and shopping at Target.