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Scientists predict by 2030 all news will be fake


Based off current trends, scientists have made a prediction that by the year 2030, all news will be considered fake in one way or another.

“Fake in the sense that, it will revolve around some trivial topic like a celebrity or a food recipe and not actually be relevant to society.” Said Dennis Bird, lead sociologist at Humanity Inc. a politically-partial scientific think tank based out of Washington DC.

“Right now, 1 in 6 news stories feature one family member of the Kardashians, and that number is expected to double in the next 2 years.” Bird said.

“Sports, fashion, pop culture, these are not real news topics, these are sensationally-motivated empty-voids which are propagated into our lives. News used to include facts and statistics, we are quickly moving away from that. By 2030, every story will be sponsored by a company and absolutely nothing will be unbiased. Everything will be completely controlled and portrayed exactly how they want the audience to perceive it with no room for interpretation.” Bird solemnly stated. 

“Even this story right now you’re writing, is sponsored by Doritos.” Bird pointed to my t-shirt and hat which both had large Doritos logos on them.

“Oh, no, these are my own clothes I bought, we’re not sponsored.” I clarified.

Bird looked confused.

“You paid your own money for clothing with the Doritos logo?” He questioned.

“Yes. Yes I did. I like the way it looks.” I responded, wide-eyed and honest.

Hey guys, sorry I just went to do stand up for a few hours, I got back home, made some macaroni, finished half of a Koia fudge brownie protein shake, and I don’t feel like finishing the narrative I had started, and I’m not going to read back what I’ve already written so I’m going to see how many times I can, uncensored, write the word “cunt.”

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt wheew… I needed to rest my fingers for a second. Ok, back to it.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt.

It’s actually pretty easy! Based on where the letters are on the keyboard, it has a natural rhythm to it when you’re typing it with your fingers. Feels almost therapeutic. Almost.

Anyways, good night! This story’s over!

If you’re upset that I didn’t finish the original story, just imagine a hot lady with some big breasts. Nice isn’t it? Yea, how can you stay mad while imagining that. You’re welcome. Alright, I’ll see you in the next one. If there is a next one. I wouldn’t blame you if you never visit this site again. I’d be sad about it, but I wouldn’t blame you. I would never blame you for anything, I don’t know you. If I do know you, and you have done something bad I would blame you. Actually I would blame you for anything, even if I didn’t know you. If I bumped into someone and made them drop their soda and they turned to me angrily I would point at you and go, “he bumped me! It’s not my fault!” I’m sorry. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do to stay out of trouble.

Alright, I’ve wasted way too much of your time at this point. I can’t even remember the headline of what this article is, the page is scrolled down so far from the writing I’ve lost total grasp on whatever the initial idea was. Doesn’t matter. Not much matters at all. So hold on to the few things that do. I scuffed my shoes tonight, I’m pretty upset about it, they got caught under a door and left a nasty scratch. They’re my favorite shoes. Fuck! I’m so bummed! Damn! Oh well, I’ll get another pair one day. I wear the same pair of shoes every day. I’m not sharing any more personal information, that’s it. If you know me, you know that’s true. Alright, good night, for real this time.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds