Sunset Music Fest – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 4.28.2019
Following a massive herpes outbreak at Coachella, Sunset Music Festival organizers are preparing for what could be the largest herpes outbreak Florida has ever seen.
“This show sells out every year,” said SMF organizer Shannette Rodriguez, “As much as we don’t want what happened in California to happen here, we can only do so much.”
The festival has been popular among young adults who are drawn to the massive line-up of EDM acts, great bro hugs, fake ecstasy and an entire day of hanging out in a parking lot, off the side of a highway.
“What they didn’t have at Coachella is this,” Rodriguez pulled out a barcode-scanner-like gun. “You might recognize these from your local grocer, but I’ve made a few modifications.”
Rodriguez then explained how she designed a herpes scanner that security will be using at the entry gate to separate the herpes crowd from the non-herpes crowd. “We figured this would be the best way to carry on with the show, and also let everyone have an equal amount of fun, no matter how much herpes you have.”
Rodriguez then snapped her fingers and two security men showed up and held me in place, pulling my head back so they could alcohol swab my neck and scan me with the gun. They released me after the test completed.
A piece of printer receipt exited off the back of the gun, “Looks like you’ll be having a little extra fun.” Rodriguez said while she laughed and crumpled up the paper with my herpes results and ate it.
“What did it say!” I screamed anxiously wanting to know if I had herpes or not.
“I guess you’re going to have to buy tickets to the show and find out yourself.” I was then knocked out by one of the security guards and awoke several hours later in an alleyway with my shoes missing.
Sunset Music Festival will be taking place at Raymond James Stadium on May something.