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Rick Scott Touts New Abortion Alternative


“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters.  “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions. “If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.”  Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number.…

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Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh stops cleaning out fleshlight

Kavanaugh Fleshlight

Through the Freedom of Information act, a schedule of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanugh’s recent visits to the urologist have been released. The nature of the visits are protected by HIPAA but through an exclusive interview with an employee of the office who wished to remain anonymous, it seems the early draft of the now…

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Abortion bar opens in Seminole Heights

Abortion Bar

A new establishment in South Seminole Heights named “Suckers” has opened, touting its option for woman to receive an abortion while they have a drink at the bar. “The ladies sit right at the counter, and while they enjoy one of our fresh squeezed alcoholic daiquiris, below the counter we have certified medical professionals sucking…

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Rick Scott Accused of Hoarding Aborted Fetuses

Rick Scott Fetus collector

As the Florida legislature readies its Texas-style abortion law, Senator Rick Scott has announced plans to purchase an abortion clinic just to close it. “We are going to shut this abortion clinic down,” said Senator Scott while licking his lips aggressively. “This isn’t about my body, my choice. This is about killing delicious…I mean precious…

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New Florida Abortion Law to Include Exemptions for Wealthy Residents

De Baby

Following in the footsteps of the Texas law banning abortions after the detection of a fetal “heartbeat”, Florida lawmakers today unveiled similar legislation that restricts access to abortions after 6-weeks unless the abortion recipient comes from a wealthy family. “This law will protect unborn children who require a chance at life!” Screamed Janet Blandy, a…

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Governor stops abortion with bare hands

Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is making headlines again, after trying to win back his base by stopping an abortion physically, by standing in between the patient and the doctor. “I need to rally my base!” Shouted DeSantis as he wrestled with the nurse. “Ahhhh!” Screamed the woman who was supposed to be receiving an abortion.…

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