Posts Tagged ‘COVID-19’
Seminole Hard Rock touts ‘Safe + Sound’ sanitation guidelines
With the Holiday Season in full swing, the operators of the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa want the public to be fully aware that Tampa Bay’s only legal casino’s primary concern is the health and safety of their customers, especially with the COVID-19 pandemic still raging. We have recently heard a spate…
Read MoreGovernor DeSantis dispatches special squad of holiday helpers
“That’s right, I’m rolling out Santa Ron’s elite Helpers, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE), or Enforcement of Law in Florida, or ELF for short”, said Governor Ron DeSantis.
Read MoreTampa man thankful for legitimate excuse to not attend Thanksgiving gatherings this year
Tampa’s Carl Kroboks is excited that quarantine guidelines and restrictions stemming from the Covid-19 pandemic are giving him a valid reason to be alone on Thanksgiving. “It’s not that everybody hates me, but nobody really likes me very much. That’s not the same thing. And it isn’t self-pity for the sake of seeking attention; just…
Read MoreDeSantis pet conspiracy blogger Kyle Lamb hires assistant
Noted conspiracy theorist, Uber driver and sports blogger Kyle Lamb, recently hired by Governor Ron DeSantis as a data analyst on COVID-19 research, has hired his own assistant, Ashley Lindsay, a USF student majoring in art history. “She’s hot, isn’t she?” said Lamb, in lieu of a more professional introduction. “Ronny said I could…
Read MoreFlorida’s COVID-19 dashboard now advertises Publix sandwich deals instead of case numbers
In a shocking announcement this afternoon, Governor Ron DeSantis, held a press conference to inform citizens that the Department of Health (DoH) would be “tracking when our beloved Publix subs are on sale,” he put on his mask and whispered quietly, “instead of when people die.” Since the beginning of the pandemic, Florida’s COVID-19 dashboard…
Read MoreRestaurant that opened in May doesn’t know how to transition to Phase 3
The owner of E’gg & Bre’wz, a combination craft brewery/brunch eatery in Seminole Heights that opened after strict COVID quarantine restrictions were in place and being actively enforced are not sure how to handle opening up under Phase 3 of Florida governor Ron DeSantis’s plan. Governor DeSantis on Friday announced Florida would be taking the…
Read MoreHeroic citizens work together to keep DeSantis from gloating over latest COVID numbers
“I’m not superstitious but the last thing we need is to tempt fate”
Read MoreLocal comic proud of his 15 minutes of super original new COVID material
Alas! After performing the same 10 minutes for the last 7 years, Tampa Bay open mic-er Walter Wingman finally found some new inspiration. While many have found Corona Virus to be an utter travesty, Wingman feels differently. “I’ve literally never felt so creative in my entire life,” he says. Wingman chuckles as he explains that,…
Read MoreNational disdain for Florida already at Category 4
As Hurricane Isaias (formerly Tropical Cyclone 9) approaches Florida, nationwide intolerance for the Sunshine State’s buffoonery is at a dangerously high level. Isaias had 60mph winds as of 5AM Thursday morning, with the center off the southwest coast of Puerto Rico. Various computer models were still unable to determine a clear, definite path for the…
Read MoreVirtual Rays fan assaulted by virtual Phillies fans
A cut-out photo of a Tampa Bay Rays fan was assaulted while attending a game between the Miami Marlins and Philadelphia Phillies at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia Sunday. “The other cut-out fans were so mean!”, says the Rays cut-out. “I guess they thought since I’m from Florida that I must have been a Marlins…
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