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DeSantis bans February

February

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced early this morning that effective immediately the month of February is illegal throughout the state. “The month of January will now be 45 days long and will be known as Janmaxuary and March will also be 45 days and shall be referred to as MarchUltra,” the Governor declared. “All the…

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Trump too smart to fall for DeShenantisanigans

Pull My Finger

As division widens between top Republican leaders former President Donald Trump and recently re-elected Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, tensions between the two men on a personal level are rising. At a recent “We’re In This Together Breakfast & Lunch But Definitely Not Brunch Because That’s Gay” event held at the prestigious Denny’s on Dale Mabry…

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DeSantis places restrictions on Kate Bush music

Kate Bush

Due to being featured prominently in the popular Netflix series Stranger Things, the Kate Bush Song “Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God),” originally released in 1985, is a chart-topping hit again. “Yeah, and I’m sick of it,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. “Damn song is everywhere, all the time.” For that reason, among…

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DeSantis not sure what to do about Juneteenth

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is experiencing anxiety in anticipation of the upcoming Juneteenth holiday, which takes place on June 19th and commemorates the anniversary date of the June 19, 1865, announcement of General Order No. 3 by Union Army general Gordon Granger, proclaiming freedom for enslaved people in Texas “This one is tricky,” he said. “How do…

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DeSantis unlocks another achievement on way to Tyrant Master Badge

Tyrant

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis took another huge step forward in his quest to earn the somewhat coveted Tyrant Master Badge by threatening the Special Olympics with $27 million in fines for 5,500 violations of state law for requiring proof of coronavirus vaccination for attendees or participants. The Special Olympics dropped the restriction and released a…

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DeSantis proposes re-animated corpse of Anita Bryant as replacement for Mickey Mouse

Anita Bryant

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is proposing a possible compromise in the ongoing strained relationship between his office and The Walt Disney Company. “Maybe there’s room for a quid pro quo,” he said. “Maybe if they do something, I’ll do something.” What he’s suggesting is that the entertainment conglomerate that operates Walt Disney World, arguably the…

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DeSantis proclaims Buccaneers ‘rightful winner’ over Rams

Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a proclamation Tuesday declaring the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the “rightful winners and actual World Champions” three months after their 30-27 loss to the Los Angeles Rams in the NFC Divisional Playoffs in January. The governor’s proclamation states that “since the Bucs are a native Floridian professional football team from Tampa, I,…

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Governor DeSantis accidentally says ‘gay’

Ronnie Gay

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis mistakenly used the word ‘gay’ yesterday and is now terminally homosexual. He was attending a formal fundraising dinner event in Clearwater and was telling those assembled that they should pray before they began eating, but had heard an Elton John song on the radio on his way to the function, causing…

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DeSantis scolds West Tampa Little Leaguer for wearing cup

DeSantis Little Leaguer

A visibly annoyed Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis admonished a catcher for the West Tampa All-Stars on Saturday for wearing a protective cup prior to a Little League game. DeSantis was in town to throw out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game, when he noticed a bulge in the pants of 8-year-old Adam Tweedler who was…

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