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Rogue pedestrian crosswalk sign responds to commands

Crosswalk

The newly installed pedestrian crosswalk sign at the intersection of Morgan Street and Channelside Drive in downtown Tampa actually responds when the “push to cross” button is pressed… for now. “What?!? No!! That’s impossible!” said Tampa Director of Pedestrian Foot Traffic Jonathan Chillbrain. “Those buttons are supposed to pacify people waiting to cross streets, thinking…

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Downtown Tampa traffic lights to be timed at 15-minute intervals

Downtown Tampa

The City of Tampa has announced that the traffic signals at all intersections downtown will now be timed to last for 15 minutes, effective immediately. “It’s being done to reduce stress,” said Andy Blibfwitch, the city’s Director of Vehicular Traffic Patterns. “People get so worked up waiting for lights to change when they’re in a…

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Crypto Sex Parlor Opens in Tampa

Crypto Sex Parlor

A new nightlife hotspot in Downtown Tampa is promising guests their wildest fantasies in exchange for cryptocurrency. “I bought DOGECOIN when it was worth less than a penny,” said 19-year-old Garret “SwiftTips” DeLuce while inspecting his fingernails. “Let’s just say I’m a millionaire now.” He then rubbed his Doritos Locos dust encrusted fingers on the…

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New downtown Tampa public transportation option proposed

Downtowner

Ever since The Downtowner ceased operation in downtown Tampa on April 30, visitors and residents have been without an inexpensive rideshare option for short trips. “Until now, bitches!!”, said Maximus Uberlyfter, owner and CEO of XXTreme Rydez, before screaming, “Gi gi gi gi gi gi gi gi! Gow! Gow! Gow!”, like Steven Tyler in ‘Dude…

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Tampa man chagrined after mocking statue of beloved local icon

Selmon Statue

Ted Chiddleston of Seminole Heights is feeling highly embarrassed and ashamed of himself after making snide remarks about a statue in downtown Tampa. He was traveling west on Brorein Street, heading toward Bayshore Boulevard when he stopped at a traffic light at the intersection of Florida Avenue. As he was waiting for the light to…

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Least Pleasant Downtown Tampa Activities

Least Pleasant Downtown Tampa Activities

There are a number of things to do in downtown Tampa that are not enjoyable. The city is something of an engineering marvel in that most of these disagreeable pursuits are directly related to one another. The kind of synchronized inconvenience, lack of amenities and implications of potential menace required to be so unpleasant takes…

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Unauthorized pro-police street mural causes plane crash in Tampa

A street mural in downtown Tampa is being cited as the cause of a small passenger plane crash this morning. All aboard survived with relatively minor injuries. The Embraer Phantom 100, piloted by Scott “Scotty” Alderson with four passengers aboard was bound for landing at Tampa International Airport when the pilot was distracted by something…

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