Posts Tagged ‘Matt Gaetz’
Minecraft cosplayer mistaken for Matt Gaetz
Jeff Coldblum of Bradenton was in Tampa to attend Tampa Bay Comic Con held at the Tampa Convention Center this past weekend where he was greeted with hostility due to people mistaking him for U.S. representative and probable human trafficker Matt Gaetz. “They were so mean,” said Coldblum. “All these people getting in my face…
Read MoreMatt Gaetz sets up kissing booth at summer camp
“It was a joke!” Gaetz said during his morning press conference. “I was just being funny, I made a sign that said ‘kissing booth’ because it’s funny, and yes, I sat near the girls dorm and I proceeded to kiss girls for a few hours, but it was a goof!” Gaetz huffed. “Seriously, I don’t…
Read MoreMonument to Florida’s greatest public servants proposed for Tampa
A new monument that will honor some of Florida’s most renowned elected officials has been planned for a mountain in Tampa. Renowned sculptor Stoney Facewall says he will carve larger-than-life facial images of Rick Scott, Ron DeSantis, Matt Gaetz and Marco Rubio into the side of one of Tampa’s mountains, making the sculpture visible for…
Read MoreNew evidence of Matt Gaetz involvement with human trafficking comes to light
Following news that broke last night that Representative Matt Gaetz, (R) of Florida was the subject of a Justice Department investigation examining whether he violated federal sex trafficking laws, Gaetz made an appearance on Tucker Carlson’s television show to refute the accusations, during which new evidence was revealed that would seem to damage his claims…
Read More7-year-old experiencing existential crisis over future presidential prospects
7-year-old Amanda Mercer, a 2nd grade student at Azalea Elementary School in St. Petersburg is feeling extremely apprehensive about her future due to who may eventually become President of the United States during her lifetime. “It’s entirely possible that Rick Scott and Ron DeSantis could both serve two terms in the White House during my…
Read MoreCreepy youth pastor lurking around Ybor confused with Matt Gaetz
A pastor for a new youth ministry cult east of Tampa has been spotted walking around Ybor City, and many people have mistakenly assumed he is Matt Gaetz, the U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district. “Matt Gaetz? Ha ha, no that’s not me. I’m Pastor Keith and I just want to hip the kids…
Read MoreClown ruins child’s birthday party
Mark Broberg, who works as a birthday clown for-hire under the name Sparkles Sunshine, ruined the 6th birthday party of Erik Cramer of Largo by showing up as U.S. representative for Florida’s 1st congressional district Matt Gaetz. “Totally my fault. I feel terrible and I’ve already given the Cramers a full refund and an apology”,…
Read MoreRon DeSantis Slays Karaoke Rendition of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”
During a drunken outing with Congressman Matt Gaetz, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was egged on into rapping the Oscar-award winning Eminem song, “Lose Yourself”. “I’ve seen that movie ‘8 Mile’ like a thousand times,” said Jimmy Jordan, a drunken crowd member who was at the same bar Gaetz and DeSantis passed through during their recent…
Read MoreTampa Man Convinced that Angrily Yelling Nonsense Counts as Facts
A local man skimmed through a pre-recorded Trump impeachment article hearing in hopes of find the talking points that most align with his world view. “I don’t understand government, civics or ethics at all,” said Paulie Borntarters. “It was very infuriating having to think about how the democrats want to have laws and rules followed…
Read MoreMatt Gaetz Pelted with Water Balloons Full of Semen
Pensacola Town Hall – Escambia County – Tuesday, 5.4.2019 While leaving a town hall today, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz was pelted by supporters with water ballons full of human and pig semen. “Any regular person who receives this kind of treatment would be outraged,” said Gaetz while licking some of the semen off his face, “But…
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