Posts Tagged ‘Pasco County’
Sting operation fails to catch giant African snails
An undercover sting operation designed to apprehend giant African snails who have recently invaded Pasco County has been called off due to a failure to catch any suspects Sheriff Chris Nocco announced yesterday. “They may be slow-moving but they’re slippery and slimy,” he said. “We baited them with the sexiest underage pornography we could find,…
Read MorePasco County court re-classifies popcorn as lethal weapon
In the surprising acquittal of accused murderer Curtis Reeves late Friday, a Pasco County court has ruled that having popcorn thrown at you justifies killing someone under Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” statute. “What we’d been led to believe all this time was a delicious snack to munch on during movies is actually a deadly weapon,”…
Read MoreGulf of Mexico getting kinda sick of y’all dumping mass quantities of toxic-ass shit in it
The Gulf of Mexico, the ocean basin largely surrounded by the North American continent off the west coast of Florida and serving as the westernmost border of the Tampa Bay region, is losing patience with the seemingly-normalized practice of dumping poisonous waste products into it. “I mean, damn, you know?” said the marginal sea of…
Read MoreFlorida legislature takes steps to make roads more dangerous
SB 1194 allows Florida drivers to use hazard lights on roads with speed limits at or above 55 mph when the conditions create “extremely low visibility.” Seriously. Not a joke.
Read More“Honest” Car Dealer in Pasco Cheats on Wife with Inflatable Green Tube Man
The owner of Honest Jim’s Automotive, Keith “Honest Jim” Turlingham, recently found himself embroiled in a sex scandal. Reports have been received that Turlingham has been in a months-long affair with an employee at his dealership – an eight foot tall inflatable green tube man that the staff has taken to calling “Murray”. “Yeah, Keith…
Read MoreSnowcat Ridge re-opens
After a brief closure due to safety concerns, Snowcat Ridge has re-opened. The first-of-its-kind snow park in Pasco County was forced to temporarily stop operations because its permit was revoked by the county because of what county officials described as “life-safety issues”. In a news release, the county said during several visits, Fire Rescue and…
Read MoreFlorida Man Stabs Gun with Flamethrower
A man who recently purchased a flamethrower from Elon Musk is receiving a lot of attention on his social media. “I saw the flamethrower for sale, and it wasn’t illegal to have it in my county,” said Pasco County resident Beephy Wellington. “The flamethrower had a fire sword mode and I’ve just been going…
Read MoreHoly Hole! TNF’s EXCLUSIVE coverage of the sinkhole on State Road 54
Natural occurrence? Portal to the Netherworld? Something even more dark and sinister? Tampa News Force’s special certified sinkhole expert correspondent Cannzana StockWil gets to the bottom – literally – of the Pasco Fiasco, the massive sinkhole that’s either the harbinger of dark things to come or rocks moving around underground or whatever the hell is…
Read MoreSinkhole aliens show up for early voting
Today marks the start of early voting in Florida. Experts expect a record turnout after more than 25 million citizens in other states have already gone to the polls. In early October, a sinkhole opened up in Trinity on Little Road in front of Varsity Club Sports Bar. Since its inception, officials say the sinkhole…
Read MoreBars, good and terrible, prepare to re-open tomorrow
The state of Florida ban on bars opening ends Monday morning at 12:01AM, finally allowing local watering holes to resume operating and hopefully generate revenue and bring some service industry employees back to work. During the ban that was put in place back in March as a result of quarantine measures related to the COVID-19…
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