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Dumb-ass idea dies deservedly

Rays Sternberg

The Tampa Bay Rays proposal to share the financially beleaguered Major League Baseball (MLB) franchise with the city of Montreal, a concept the organization has been committed to for years, has been officially squashed by Major League Baseball’s executive council. “We didn’t step in sooner because we had no idea that this was something being…

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Red Tide Raises Rays

Tiding Up

Following the Rays clinching the American League East Division for the second consecutive season while compiling the best regular season record in the franchise’s 23-year history, with 100 wins for the first time, many are wondering how such a thing could possibly happen, considering that the team was thought to be significantly weaker after losing…

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Rays sign Kevin Kiermaier’s eyes to long-term deal

Kiermaier

The Tampa Bay Rays have signed the dreamy blue eyes of veteran outfielder Kevin Kiermaier to a contract that will keep his beguiling peepers with the Rays organization through 2071, 48 years after his current contract to play baseball expires. “Kevin has been an integral part of our success over the years and we hope…

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Man Wearing Rays Hat Surprised to Learn They Are Doing Well

Rays hat

While out getting drunk for his best friend’s birthday, a Tampa man was recently surprised to learn that the Tampa Bay Rays are doing well this season. “Honestly I don’t even know how I ended up owning this hat,” said Fabio Sukiyo, a 32-year-old man from Seffner.  “I haven’t watched baseball in over 10 years,…

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Rays outfielder offends certain Rays fans

Brett Phillips

Tampa Bay Rays outfielder Brett Phillips on and off-field antics have rankled a segment of loyal fans. “He’s obviously enjoying himself, just having the time of his life. And it’s all the time,” said longtime fan Hub Shitler of St. Petersburg. “That’s downright disrespectful to those of us who have made a tradition of being…

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Rays also lose World Series in parallel universe

Parallel Universe Kevin Cash

The Tampa Bay Rays lost 3-1 to the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 6 of the alternate 2020 World Series, ending their bid for an otherworld championship in Blixxarp-7, a hypothetical self-contained plane of existence, co-existing with our own. In Blixxarp-7, events and objects closely mirror those that we consider to be reality in this dimension,…

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Kevin Cash admits why he removed Blake Snell from the World Series

Kevin Cash brainfart

Tampa Bay Rays manager Kevin Cash finally admitted why he removed starting pitcher Blake Snell after giving up just two hits through five and a third innings in the ultimately decisive Game 6 of the World Series against the eventual champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers. Cash said, “I misunderstood the format of the World Series.…

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