Posts Tagged ‘Rays’
Dumb-ass idea dies deservedly
The Tampa Bay Rays proposal to share the financially beleaguered Major League Baseball (MLB) franchise with the city of Montreal, a concept the organization has been committed to for years, has been officially squashed by Major League Baseball’s executive council. “We didn’t step in sooner because we had no idea that this was something being…
Read MoreRed Tide Raises Rays
Following the Rays clinching the American League East Division for the second consecutive season while compiling the best regular season record in the franchise’s 23-year history, with 100 wins for the first time, many are wondering how such a thing could possibly happen, considering that the team was thought to be significantly weaker after losing…
Read MoreRays sign Kevin Kiermaier’s eyes to long-term deal
The Tampa Bay Rays have signed the dreamy blue eyes of veteran outfielder Kevin Kiermaier to a contract that will keep his beguiling peepers with the Rays organization through 2071, 48 years after his current contract to play baseball expires. “Kevin has been an integral part of our success over the years and we hope…
Read MoreMan Wearing Rays Hat Surprised to Learn They Are Doing Well
While out getting drunk for his best friend’s birthday, a Tampa man was recently surprised to learn that the Tampa Bay Rays are doing well this season. “Honestly I don’t even know how I ended up owning this hat,” said Fabio Sukiyo, a 32-year-old man from Seffner. “I haven’t watched baseball in over 10 years,…
Read MoreRays outfielder offends certain Rays fans
Tampa Bay Rays outfielder Brett Phillips on and off-field antics have rankled a segment of loyal fans. “He’s obviously enjoying himself, just having the time of his life. And it’s all the time,” said longtime fan Hub Shitler of St. Petersburg. “That’s downright disrespectful to those of us who have made a tradition of being…
Read MoreRays begin 2021 season with fewer excuses for fans to dislike them
The Tampa Bay Rays begin the 2021 season tomorrow with an afternoon game in Miami against the Marlins, coming off a successful 2020 campaign that has made it more difficult for their fans to find things to complain about. “I’ve been bitching about the Rays since they announced the original team name of ‘Devil Rays’…
Read MoreTampa Bay Rays to Trade Blake Snell for World-Renowned Belly Itcher
In a startling turn of events, the management of the Tampa Bay Rays has decided to trade away their star pitcher from last season, Blake Snell, 28. In return, fans can expect to see a new starting player, Mikey O’Leary, a wily upstart from an unnamed farm team out of Dubuque, Iowa. When asked if…
Read MoreRays also lose World Series in parallel universe
The Tampa Bay Rays lost 3-1 to the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 6 of the alternate 2020 World Series, ending their bid for an otherworld championship in Blixxarp-7, a hypothetical self-contained plane of existence, co-existing with our own. In Blixxarp-7, events and objects closely mirror those that we consider to be reality in this dimension,…
Read MoreKevin Cash admits why he removed Blake Snell from the World Series
Tampa Bay Rays manager Kevin Cash finally admitted why he removed starting pitcher Blake Snell after giving up just two hits through five and a third innings in the ultimately decisive Game 6 of the World Series against the eventual champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers. Cash said, “I misunderstood the format of the World Series.…
Read MoreRays manager Kevin Cash ruins everyone’s life
The Los Angeles Dodgers beat the Tampa Bay Rays 3-1 in Game 6 of the 2020 World Series in Arlington, Texas, to win their first championship since 1988 and depriving the Tampa Bay region of their first sports championship since September. All because Rays manager Kevin Cash pulled starting pitcher Blake Snell after five and…
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