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Future news: Lightning win 65th consecutive Stanley Cup

Future Man

A man claiming to be from the future is claiming that the Lightning win 65 straight Stanley Cups in the coming years. Jedidiah Bunchkin, a professional time traveler, showed up to the Tampa News Force offices and said that the Lightning would win 65 championships in the future, and I told him that we lost…

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Tampa Bay Lightning changes their name to Tampa Bay Pikachus

TB Pikachu

In a shocking first this week, the now former Tampa Bay Lightning have become the first major US sports team to change their mascot to a Pokémon. With abstract and fantasy based mascots like the Dragons, the Heat, and Jazz, this natural progression in branding seems almost inevitable.  “As long as it still relates to…

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Hillsborough County to get rid of “participation trophies”

Trophies

Hillsborough county legislators decided, unanimously, to overturn a piece of legislation that has been under heavy fire in recent years. The nationwide law required public schools, extracurricular activities, and certain afterschool programs to provide “participation trophies” to children whenever awards were to be given out in most cases, particularly sports events and any competition “involving…

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Tampa Bay sports makes man orgasm

Orgasm Fan

Benny Hudgins of Valrico climaxed thinking about Tampa’s current sports rosters, causing him to have an epiphany that the city can make him come more than his significant other. “I was sitting in my recliner chair watching game 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, and I found myself getting sexually aroused at the thought of…

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Tampa man caught sneaking out of Vipers game

Viper Vision - Tampa Bay Vipers Unofficial News Coverage Provider

“I’m sorry I just wanted to leave but I know they have a strict ‘no leaving’ policy because they need the seats to look good for the cameras and we’re all getting paid $20 to be here so technically I’m breaking my SAG contract by attempting to escape, but you’ve got to understand, nobody wants to see this.” Said Fred G. Bailey, the hired attendee who attempted to leave.

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Tampa sports cancelled by PC culture

Outraged child doesn't know who to root for anymore

Due to an influx of hurt feelings, it’s been decided that sports are too problematic for the citizens of Tampa Bay. “They’re done.” Said mayor Castor, packing her baseball mitt into the trunk of her hatchback.  “Sports have been cancelled by PC culture, and our youth just can’t handle the concept of loss, it hurts…

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Tampa Bay Sports Fan Unsure Who To Ignore

Tampa Bay Sports fans unsure what to do with who to root for

With all three of Tampa Bay’s major league professional sports franchises currently active, Gerald Humfahrt of St. Petersburg, a self-described “die hard bandwagoner” says he doesn’t know which team he should be ignoring.  “I’ve been ignoring the Rays since March, so that seems like the easiest, most natural option. But they’re in the playoffs so…

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WWE announces first nude event in Tampa

First Nude WWE match to take place in Tampa Bay

Raymond James Stadium – Hillsborough County – Friday, 6.7.2019 The WWE has officially announced that it will host its first ever nude pay-per-view event at Raymond James stadium. All the wrestlers will be completely nude the entire night, body-slamming and pile-driving with an intimacy like never before. “It was a natural progression on our part,”…

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