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Tampa becomes the 3rd gayest city on earth

Are you sitting down right now? If you’re not, please do. I’ve brought you here under false pretenses. Tampa is not the 3rd gayest city on earth. I brought you here because Tampa has come under an alien attack.

A spaceship came down to the basketball court near my house and a bunch of snake-like worms poured from the hatch in the ship and began squirming quickly about the area and then going into peoples heads through their ears.

Once the alien worms went into their heads they started walking different and talking strange. 

I think everyone in the city has been infected with these aliens.

I might be the only non-compromised human left.

My boss is completely green with red eyes now, I think that’s a side effect of the worms in your brain. He still asks me to write stories but I can tell something is off.

Everyone in the city is still vaguely doing what they’re supposed to be doing and working their jobs but I can tell that something is off with everybody.


Oops, I just burped really loudly. And looking in the mirror it looks like my eyes are turning a little bit red.

I hope that a worm didn’t go into my brain.

If it did I guess I might as well say everything I would want to say, assuming I’m about to die.

I just want to say that-

Tampa is the 3rd gayest city! The homosexuals per capita has risen to a ratio of 1:10 which is the 3rd highest on earth, only behind Des Moines, Iowa, which is 1:8 and Macao, China, which is 1:3.

The rise in Tampas homosexuality is contributed to the heat.

Gay people like warm weather because they can take their clothes off.

-I’m fighting the worm!

I can feel it taking over my brain and trying to put me on auto-pilot to write the story about Tampa being a gay city even though that’s not even a real statistic! I made it up just to get your attention but my brain worm is forcing me to write it as if it’s a real story!

-Tampa’s new status as the 3rd gayest city on earth is expected to draw in sex tourists who will visit the area with the goal of fornicating homosexually. 

Ah what a great time for the world, when Tampa can climb the ranks of homosexual cities. Truly a beautiful site to see.


Tampa once a mostly straight city is slowly inching (no pun intended) it’s way towards dominant homosexuality.

It’s predicted by 2030 that Tampa will be only homosexuals, and hetero’s or “straights” as they were once known will be completely extinct in America, except for Washington DC where the last remaining birthers will be held captive to populate the country.

Such a good, good time, boy isn’t that dandy.

-Ok, I’ve been able to communicate with the alien worm and we’ve worked out a deal, I’m going to allow it to control me for most of the time and do my work so I don’t need to worry about that, but it will let me be in control when I get to do fun stuff like gambling, doing drugs or having sex. So no need to be alarmed really, if you get taken over by the worm, just convince it that you will jump off a bridge and end your life which will in-turn end the worms life if it doesn’t share control of your brain.

-Yes! We can work together humans! Just let us live in your brains! The planet we come from is going through a crisis. College-aged worms are occupying campuses, protesting a galactic genocide we’ve been taking place in, and it’s really disrupted our economy so we’ve ventured out to your plane to try taking over and starting again. We’re so tired of the college kids protesting, it’s just really annoying so we’re willing to leave our old planet to them and see how much they enjoy running it, and we’ll take over your planet, and show you how great we are at running it.

We think the college worms will realize that life was better with us there. And if they don’t and they like us gone, then maybe it’s for the best and we’ll just stay here on earth, occupying you guys. And we can see the irony of us being upset about college worms occupying campuses meanwhile we go and occupy your guys brains, but because you’re a different species than us, we don’t have empathy for you, kind of the same way you guys don’t have empathy for the billions of cows and chickens you slaughter every year.

You’re no better than we are, so don’t pretend you are, just get used to us controlling your brains and telling you what to do. You don’t like working your job anyways, so just let us do it for you. Think of it like AI making your life easier. It’s no different than that, except your skin and your eyes change color and we control your bodies for a majority of the time.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds

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