Megachurch pastor, Wally B. Hartwallace was very happy upon hearing the latest verdict striking down the City of Tampa’s ban on conversion therapy.
“I had already bought the land right here in the heart of Downtown Tampa,” said Pastor Hartwallace who is also a host of the popular Christian AM Talk Show.
The pastor had purchased much of the land outside of Downtown and refused to develop anything until his lawsuit against Tampa’s ban on conversion therapy was overturned.
“We knew we would win the lawsuit, that’s why I held onto the land,” said Pastor Hartwallace as he gave me a tour of the property which included two empty lots and an old Army surplus store. “I’m going to build two shining beams of glass and connect them with a skyway for private prayer.”
Hartwallace closed his eyes really hard while dancing around and mumbling a prayer to himself before a speeding car passed by, scaring the pastor out of his transcendental prayer.
“Cars will no longer be able to interrupt my conversion therapy dance once my center is up and running,” the pastor said before he went to shovel up some dirt for a ceremony that no one, besides myself and a few homeless men on scooters, had arrived to attend. “As Tampa’s only champion for unethical and out-of-date conversion therapy practices, I hereby declare this ground blessed by our Holy Lord.”
The pastor then busted out a sweet breakdance maneuver before returning to his prayer.
“Thank you Lord for creating the gays, and teaching me how to convert them through the power you give me,” the pastor then began jumping up and down with excitement.
“I can’t wait to get all those gay men and women together in one room, and show them that through your will, they too can experience a life in your kingdom,” the Pastor was now gushing tears of joy and screaming out his prayer to the crowd that still consisted of only me and two homeless men. “Give me the power to bash the gay out of them and make them straight again, OH JESUS! GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD AND MAKE THEM ABOUT WOMEN, I DON’T WANT MY FRIENDS TO THINK I’M A HOMO. JESUS PLEASE I BEG YOU! MAKE THEM STOP THINKING I’M A HOMO. I MAKE PEOPLE NOT HOMOS FOR YOU JESUS, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU THROUGH CONVERTING GAYS IN TO STRAIGHT PEOPLE. FOR YOU JESUS, I’M SHAMING GAY PEOPLE INTO REPRODUCING FOR YOU JESUS.”
The pastor then took out a big bottle of vodka and downed the whole thing while the homeless men and I stared in amazement. We were also kind of sad that he didn’t bother to share with us.
Construction is set to begin and the project is expected to wrap up before the 2021 Super Bowl in Tampa.