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Tampa heat forces citizens to consider moving back to New York


Record high heat waves have been effecting Tampa residents mental health, causing them to consider moving back to their hometowns of New York.

“I didn’t come down here for this.” Said Ben Pigeon.

“New York is the greatest city in the world, best place on earth hands down, but I’d prefer to spend most of my time no where near it because it’s made me the insufferable prick I am today.” Said Pigeon very earnestly.

“I know I suck, that why I don’t want to live around people like me. I’m loud, obnoxious, I feel the need to tell you my opinion unprompted, and you know what? That’s what we’re all like.” Pigeon said very in a very intense disheveled fashion.

“I love my hometown, and I love the bucs, so you know, I’m conflicted, but I need to threaten to leave for attention because I like to pretend I can just go back and be the king if I want, when in reality I left for a reason, and it’s not just for the previous reasons I stated, I’m actually kind of wanted, legally up in New York, there’s a reason they call it the second-chance-state down here, because we flock down here when life in our original place doesn’t work out and we want to get away.” Finished Pigeons long monologue with some sort of self aware yet completely insane point.

We’re not sure if anyone is actually leaving, or considering leaving, Tampa because it’s hot, we’re only going based off what Ben Pigeon told us when we bumped into him at the gas station on Columbus, our first and only interaction thus far in our relationship. 

But I mean, come on, is it hot or what? I mean give me a break. You guys know what I’m talking about. Absolute burner out there. Yikes! E gads!

Sorry, I’m watching this movie “He’s All That” on Netflix because people said it was the worst movie ever but it’s actually pretty great. Super impressed by all of it. Cinematic masterpiece. Go check it out. It’s called “He’s All That”, I’m saying again so you don’t have to scroll back up and wonder, “what was the movie he was talking about? Oh yea, ‘He’s All That’ on Netflix.”

So yea, its so outside you need to stay inside and watch “He’s All That” on Netflix. And you can do that if you’re in New York too! Wherever you are you can watch, so if the heat drives you back to your hometown up north, you can watch. See it was all tied together, totally coherent, linear, hysterical article. Good job John! Well done on all accounts! You’re so good at whatever you put your mind too and you know it! You don’t need to be reminded!

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds