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Tampa Man Does Not Understand Why He Can Not Buy Drugs on Amazon Prime

“Damn, Besos! Makes me so mad… I’m out in public, but if there was any drywall nearby, you bet your ass I’d be smashing it!!”, exclaimed Kyle Melrose, a 27-year-old professional gamer from Tampa.

Melrose explained that he’d been trying to procure illegal drugs off Amazon Prime since quarantine began. 

“I’ve been following all social distancing orders…. my old dealer stopped doing deliveries to take care of his grandma. I just think that, as a law abiding citizen who’s following all the social distancing orders, I should be able to have my drugs delivered with Prime.”

Kyle explained that he’s had to rely more heavily on Monster Energy drinks, but he doesn’t like how they give him heartburn. 

“Every time I drink a Monster Energy, I feel verklempt. That’s a word my Jewish neighbor taught me… I think it means sweaty… no wait, that’s shvitzing…” 

TNF had the opportunity to interview Kyle’s mom as well. She can’t quite put a finger on why, but claims Kyle seems different. She says that Kyle has been distant and spends most of the day in her basement. She claims that he used to pop out a few times a day to shower and eat meatloaf. (Editors note: Kyle exclusively eats day old meatloaf from Publix’s pre-made food counter. This is irrelevant to the story, but Kyle and his mom insisted we include this upon publishing.)

Says Kyle, “This whole thing has really made my gaming career suffer. I’ve lost a lot of games that I should’ve won. I’m in danger of losing some of my sponsors.” 

Melrose hopes Jeff Besos will reimburse him for the games he would’ve won, had he have taken drugs.

Shellie H

About Shellie H

Shellie H is a Virgo Sun, Aries Moon, Libra rising, and exclusively drinks water out of up-cycled kombucha bottles.