The Tampa Police Department announced today that this year’s Gasparilla invasion will be absolutely free of all crimes. An estimated 418,344 people are expected to descend upon Bayshore Boulevard for a day of debauchery and pillaging.
“Our officers are more than prepared to control that,” said Tampa Police Chief Debby Littles. “Thanks to recent advancements in crowd control, we are happy to announce that no crime at all will happen during Gasparilla this year.”
After the 2020 riots, the TPD received a sweet street mural and a bigger budget for crime prevention.
“We used the money to buy the most advanced crime prediction program known to man,” said Chief Littles. “Our office has already apprehended anyone who thought about committing a crime during both the adult Gasparilla, and the children’s parade.”
The Minority Report-style crime prediction system TPD calls “Minority BLEEP-borp” has already led officers to 348 culprits who planned on doing something illegal during Gasparilla this year.
“It’s a pretty awesome machine,” explained Chief Littles while giving me a tour of the facility it is housed in. “As you can see, this big Clam Shell-like structure protects the big magical mermaid-like creature floating in the strange mucous cocoon.”
The Clam Shell Pod floated mysteriously in the center of the blacked-out room under a single light.
“We ask it very specific questions and then makes it a ‘BLEEP-borp’ sound before printing out an answer on our fax line,” said Chief Littles. “Go ahead, ask it a question.”
“Any question?” I asked.
“Yeah go ahead. We use it to stop crime, but I’ve used it to help myself out in my personal life as well.” Said the Chief.
“Okay,” I said, clasping my hands nervously while trying to think of a question. “Here it goes. Minority BLEEP-borp, will I ever find love?”
The room fell silent, the lights flickered. Suddenly the Clam Shell Structure opened, revealing the naked mermaid creature.
The room vibrated and a dark matter shockwave pulsed out from the cocoon. In the corner of the room an old fax machine started to print out a message. Chief Littles ripped off the paper and it read, “Yes, you will find love. With me…Climb inside me…END MESSAGE.”
The Chief and I stood in the corner of the room confused.
“I guess she’s calling for you,” said the Chief.
I cautiously made my way to the floating clam shell that had remained open after I asked it the question.
The mermaid-creature laid there, floating, seemingly lifelessly in the mucous stuff. I was starting to second guess my decision, but the Chief assured me that they have had an 87% success rate with crime prevention.
I removed my clothing and started to climb inside the shell, working my way through the mucous substance, pushing the mermaid aside to make room for me.
Once I was fully submerged, the shell quickly shut, and the mermaids’ eyes opened. They were neon red and illuminated the inside of the shell.
“You made an unwise decision climbing into my domain,” she telepathically communicated with a villainous laughter.
Suddenly her head morphed into lizard, and she swallowed me whole.
As I worked my way down her intestinal tract, I was surprised to find a portal which shot me through a black hole. I screamed while being sucked through the vacuum of space. Every atom of my being ripped apart and put back together across infinite points in time.
All the moments that have ever happened and will happen, flashing before my very eyes.
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door of the portable toilet I was taking a shit in.
“Hurry it up we got thousands of people waiting in line,” screamed the mob of folks waiting to use one of the few Porta Potties along Bayshore Blvd.
I quickly cleaned myself up and went about my pirate business.