Citing the high number of new coronavirus cases, local sex workers in Tampa have begun asking clients for proof of vaccination before exchanging money for sex.
“We have a strong union in this city,” said Tampa Sex Workers Union President, Miguelita Chochita. “Since the beginning of this pandemic, us sex workers have been taking every precaution to stay safe out there.”
According to a recent press release, the Tampa Sex Workers Union reached a 100% vaccination rate amongst all its members.
“I’m really proud of all the workers risking their lives out there every night,” said Chochita, who had forced her way into my car and began demanding I drive them to some random location. “These workers have been coached on spotting fake Covid cards, and they wear a special mask featuring a dickhole.”
Chochita demonstrated what the mask looked like to me, but she was not wearing one when I picked her up. I ended up dropping her off at Denny’s and she gave me a 5-star rating on Uber.
My interview with Chochita only occurred because I interview the people I pick up while driving for Uber. This is the only way I can afford to live in Tampa as a journalist. A new study says it takes three minimum wage jobs to afford rent in this city. Isn’t that crazy?
Currently, the only people who can afford rent here are doctors, lawyers, and sex workers. Thankfully, I’ve been going to school to become the first Doctor Lawyer Sex Worker. Soon, everyone will have to call me by my new legal name, Dr. Sex Law.
Once I complete my transition into the master of healthy sex laws, I will take the coronavirus itself to court and hold the highly contagious disease under oath so that it may face the crimes it has committed.
Unvaccinated sex workers have announced they will be holding a protest at Curtis Hixon Park this weekend. The protest is set to feature the world’s first see-thru gloryhole, where guest can see the maskless person blowing them through a two-way mirror.