Hey Aries, what’s up! Oh man looks like you’re still gonna be despondent all month but I cannot for the life of me figure out why. There’s something on the tip of my tongue tho. It’s almost like forgetting something at the grocery store y’know? Golly gee I’m close to it. Anyway circle back I’m sure I’ll remember why you’re sad. Probably. Something about your month in may? I don’t know dude yeah circle back.
The stars are telling me that your stories are longer than they are good. Yikes. They’re usually pretty attentive. I mean Pluto orbits once every 248 years and they still said that. Editing is everybody’s friend.
I feel like you would be able to live more in the moment and stop being conumed by regret if you finally killed. Taking the life of another. Golly gee whiz, I mean it’s a big step but no other act is as life-clarifying. It’s not even close. You think you’re gonna check your phone in the five minutes after he stops breathing/gasping? Not on your life, bucko.
You’ll feel proud that you finally found out how to forgive those who took the pandemic less seriously than you did, which makes sense since you only ever interpreted covid news in terms of yourself and your personal narrative. Jesus Christ. It is uncomfortable inhabiting your wants and feelings this month. Ugh. shudders
You’ll have mediocre sex with a former competitive academic champion. This feeling won’t be as new to you as you’d like it to be. Also, the stars are telling me that this prediction is more or less true for all fire signs.
Good news! You’ll get in a social media fight so emotionally invigorating that you’ll be able to temporarily stop worrying about your worsening socioeconomic status. You’ll tell countless stories of the fight to your friends and they will poorly feign interest in it, but there is no way you needed me to tell you that. Obviously this is what the Fat-Cats and captains of industry want in terms of stifling labor organization, but nonetheless, I can tell from the stars that this article will not prevent your stubborn and petty future.
This month, You are going to have your most creative and interesting suicidal thoughts as far as the method used! It’s either all downhill from here or there’s a light at the end! Me, personally I’m a glass half full guy so congrats on being creative!
You will meet a girl or guy so wonderful you might suspect you’re in a simulation! The way you phrase this sentiment to them will cause them to Baker Act you. The disappointment and helplessness you feel in the institution of /their/ choice will cause you to know for certain that this world is indeed real. Cruel, unfeeling, miserable, and real.
You will confess something offhand in an attempt to be relatable that will, hours after your encounter, cause someone to lose all faith in the Christian God, who is in fact quite real. This will doom another person to burn for all eternity in Hell. Keep your comments to yourself maybe? I don’t know. Your horoscope bummed me out; I’m taking a break after this.
Your month will be fantastic! On paper! If anyone, and I mean anyone, asks you if this is what you really want, or whether you are truly happy, you will absolutely collapse. The stars are worried about you, particularly the constellation Andromeda.
For the next few weeks the powers that be will supernaturally guarantee that you will be immune to gunfire, which is largely useless based on the way you live your life. This imperviousness to bullets comes at the cost of crippling and incessant self doubt.
Hahaha hey what’s up dude long time no see? Oh yeah, the horoscope. All business, huh? Don’t even wanna acknowledge what we used to have? Yeah no no no I get it. I remember who I was then. Uhh ok let’s see. Let’s check those stars, baby. Sorry, should I not call you that? It’s difficult for me to navigate this y’know? Anyway. Uhhh looks like if you buy a scratch off there’s a 1/3 chance you win a couple bucks, I mean that’s good…. So like would you ever wanna maybe get coffee or— No no yeah you’re busy I get it. Have a, uh have a good life, I mean I hope I see you soon but like no pressure to see me again I guess. Bye. God I’m so bad at these. Fuck. Bye.