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What kind of hammer should you buy?

Hammer Man

One thing you often hear from gun advocates in the wake of a mass shooting is, “guns aren’t at fault; it could have just as easily been a psycho with a hammer”. And just because that never happens doesn’t mean they’re wrong. You are just as subject to being the victim of a mass hammering as you are to a mass shooting, according to statistics that don’t exist. Maybe even more so because hammers are very easy to get. Like guns.

Ball Peen Hammer

This little, bitty thing is only good for very close-range self-defense purposes. It’s a little girl hammer. Are you a little girl? If not, this is not the hammer for you. If you are, well, here you go, you sad, soft little girl.

Tack Hammer

Basically one (small) step above a ball peen. This is the kind of hammer you would use if you planned to assassinate a low-level political figure at close range or challenge someone to a hammer duel. Pretty much useless in a melee situation.

Claw Hammer

The classic hammer. This is what people visualize when you say the word “hammer”. Either this or MC Hammer, but that’s stupid. This hammer suits all your practical hammer needs. It’s the hammer that conquered the American Frontier.

Novelty Squeaky Hammer

What is this, some kind of joke? Yes.


Unfortunately, the jackhammer is a military-grade hammer and regular civilians can’t have one. There’s a good reason for that: without the proper training, you would wind up vibrating yourself down the street like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Drywall Hammer

Pretty much the same thing as the classic Claw. Maybe more futuristic looking for some reason. Kind of redundant, though. Any Chad or Kyle will tell you that you don’t need a hammer to punch holes in drywall.

Toy Hammer

We don’t want anyone to attack people with hammers, obviously. For that reason, it’s important to keep them out of the hands of children. By the same token, it’s important to teach kids how to defend themselves. So here you go, tykes. IMPORTANT: Do NOT hit other children with a hammer! Incorrectly. Practice makes perfect.


When you absolutely, positively have to hammer the shit out of something or someone. This is the big boy. Just carrying it tells people you mean business. When you carry a sledgehammer, your penis walks into a room five minutes before you do.

So there you go, your guide to what kind of hammer you should buy! Happy hammering!

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54