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Hey guys, John Jacobs here. We know you come to our website for only the finest premium satire content with the utmost integrity TYLER SIT IN YOUR CARSEAT WE’RE NOT GOING TO HARDEES IF YOU KEEP STANDING AND THROWING THINGS FROM THE TESLA!
Sorry my voice to text is on, I’m “writing” this story as I drive a rich persons child to Hardees, it’s one of the many odd jobs I do to supplement my TNF income, so I apologize if any sidebars appear throughout the article, I’m trying to remain professional while chauffeuring this pain-in-the-ass child Tyler YES THAT’S RIGHT TYLER I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU AND THE READERS WILL KNOW YOU’RE A SPOILED BRAT NOW SIT DOWN AND STOP THROWING ROBLOX AT ONCOMING TRAFFIC WE ARE GOING TO GET KILLED AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT BE GOING TO THE SAME AFTERLIFE THAT I AM.
Anyways, recently you might have noticed an abundance of ads appearing all over the site, and no that was not a coordinated prank although it may have felt like one.
We were approached by a marketing company called Infolinks will a deal that sounded too god to be true (about two dollars for everything 2,000 page views, or something like that.) so with the excitement of potential dozens-of-dollars in my head, I agreed to let them basically ravage the landscape of our digital world with their intrusive ads. I apologize for that.
After one week of a test run, and no response from my Infolinks contact we have decided to remove these painfully forward ads for Dasani water and other equally mediocre products to return us to our previously loved, clean, look.
You will notice the website is much more beautiful again, with only Google targeted ads for weird things that you Google which has nothing to do with us so stop complaining to us that you’re getting big-mouth-bass-style singing dildos, that’s not our fault, that’s your sick search history showing you that, not our spy bots. (Yes, we have spy bots that actively steal your credit card information, but we promise we do not do anything negative with the information, just steal fractions of a cent every month kind of like the plot to Office Space, but much more illegal.)
Anyways, I apologize for the inconvenience the ads have TYLER GET BACK IN THE CAR! BACK IN THE CAR! WE’RE ON THE HIGHWAY! THE 18-WHEELER WILL NOT BE AS KIND AS I AM IT WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO CRISS-CROSS UNDER IT’S UNDERCARRIAGE WHILE IT BARRELS DOWN THE ROAD AT 80 MILES-PER-HOUR! TYLER! TYLER NOOOOO! OH GOD NO! TYLER! HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR PARENTS! GOD DAMN IT MY SHIRT IS ALL RED NOW! FUCK! OH SHIT THE VOICE-TO-TEXT IS STILL SCRIBING ALL MY FRANTIC YELLS!
Sorry about that. Anyways, enjoy the rest of your day and the previous smooth appearance of our website! Thank you.
